unexpectedly unexpected

Being back from holidays is a very harsh reality check, especially when you spent the last 8 days in Paradise and you land back in Beirut. No offense Beirut lovers, I love this city most days of the year, but not today. Not when I just came back from blue skies and turquoise seas, deserted islands and elephant rides and white sand as far as the eyes can see.

I haven't been able to write anything since I got back because the mere idea of getting back into my "life" was depressing to me. Ever since I came back last week, I've tried to pretend that I was still away, hiding away from my usual hangouts, getting lectured by dad because he "hasn't seen me one second since I got back" and being passively present at work --physically but not mentally.

Now it's Monday and there are no more excuses. Everyone is back to reality by now and even though it sucks for a few days, I know that by next week, Thailand will be just a memory and life will be in the present again. The streets full of traffic at any hour of the day; The overcrowded bars, even though you'd think everyone got wasted enough the last two weeks of December, turns out they are even more crowded now; in the office where stacks of papers have piled up and you had promised yourself to put everything back in order in 2012; The bedroom where the new housekeeper (God Bless her, she's the sweetest person on earth but she doesn't understand a word I say) has decided to mix all your clothes with your sisters', as if sharing a room and fighting over who borrows what isn't enough; The to-do-list that you have to stop adding to, and start actually getting done. Did I mention all I've done since I got back is post pictures of Thailand on Facebook and play with my new iphone?

But sometimes in the midst of a nauseating routine, you find a glimpse of the good stuff --and what I mean by the good stuff is Sex. Turns out letting your guard down and just doing what you want to do sometimes takes you to better places. Let me explain --my friend Curls meets this guy over Xmas break: she doesn't live here, he doesn't live here, they've got nothing to lose. They find themselves attracted to each other and in that moment she knows all she wants from him is physical. She lets her guard down, doesn't play games, goes for what she wants and what happens? It actually clicks. I mention this because she is the queen of meeting new guys and it not working out. She is almost always looking for something serious, something meaningful, and she's a romantic one --but usually in stead of letting things flow as they should, she is prepared to settle for less. She meets a guy, realizes he fits the checklist, and holds onto him for dear life. Why? Because after years of getting run over by men you develop this phobia (and this is purely my own theory) that you may very well never find what you've always dreamed of and you settle for less. And if there is one thing I hate most in life it has to be just that. I almost fell for this too, not so long ago: met a guy, found him good-looking and charming and sweet and A-Perfect on every item on the list but you know what, at the end of our "date" I was disappointed. There he was: great on paper but no butterflies. Amazingly well-rounded but with nothing "special." No edge. Nothing out of the box. It was a perfectly well wrapped box with a pretty bow on top, and I'm sorry but that's not for me. And it's not for Curls either. Now the second she thought "I've got nothing to lose" suddenly she was herself. She broke down the barriers we put up to be our most attractive self, and put her cards on the table. I know, men like to chase. They don't want all your cards upfront. But it's all in the attitude. I spent all year listening to all kinds of advice from all kinds of people and it got me nowhere, until I met this guy randomly and I decided to have a one night stand --because that is exactly what I wanted-- and it turns out it was a damn good stand to take. It felt liberating to finally act the way I want, with no calculating and no over-thinking, just simply following my own wants and needs. 

So I think I finally may have figured it out. It's not the games and the number of calls and the bitch 101. It's whether you do what you want, or whether you do what you think he wants you to do. Simple as that. And here's the thing about doing what you want: it is so much more fun.

the goal is to bring him home tonight

This is about the other girl. Not the one that I always rat about, who gets tugged around and played with and endures the calamities that come with dating men. This is about the girl that sees a guy from across the room, and with one look she already knows that he's going to be hers. Because the truth is, when a woman confidently sets her mind to something nothing can stop her.

Now don't get me wrong: this can be the same girl. I've seen it. I've been it. You can be the victim at one time and you can hold the reigns at another --it all depends on the situation and the guy and the timing. A couple of nights ago I was having a drink with a friend and she says to me "the goal is to bring him home tonight." I smiled. There I was having a girlie drink with one of my girlfriends and in stead of analyzing what this new crush of hers said or did, she just wanted to go through the motions and establish a plan that would get him into her bed. I loved it.

My other friend (whose nickname sets off alarms so I'm keeping it anonymous) usually meets a guy and plans the wedding ceremony within the same hour. But lately the balance seems to have tipped her way. He's the one talking about "us" for the next three years while she is still trying to remember his last name. She finds herself on a guy's bed and he's the one who doesn't want to go any further... yet.

Or this other girl who met this guy who is really insisting on trying out a long distance relationship.  Or my friend who is having trouble in her relationship because he thinks she is not making enough effort. Or my other friend who is feeling bad because she is using a guy for sex and moral support even though she knows he is in love with her and she doesn't see it going it anywhere. Sounds like I'm confusing my pronouns.

And then there's me. I'm an open book, literarily, just read the blog and you'll know what I'm thinking, what I've been through, when I'm depressed and when I'm happy. But even I can have the bring-him-home-tonight attitude sometimes. Think some guy can make me feel like shit for no reason and then come back and pretend like nothing happened? Not this time. If there's anything I learnt this year, it's to put myself first. Wise-rat told me: "You need to find a guy who will treat you like a princess." And there will be no settling for less.

I flirt therefor I am

Flirting is an art in and of itself. I'd say it's a new, modern form of art, as before the twentieth century, there wasn't much room for flirting. But now it's all we do. We flirt with the policeman who dared stop us because we were on the phone while driving and he ends up by asking for our phone number. True story. We flirt with the guy at US customs so he doesn't give us trouble because of our Lebanese passport and he ends up asking if "you need someone to show you around the city?" True story. We flirt with a teacher because we failed an exam. We flirt with the bartender because we want to get two seats on the bar and it's Saturday night. We flirt with the bouncer to get us into Skybar, we flirt with the DJ to get him to play "our song," and here is the magic of it all: girls flirt all the time, pretty much to get anything. Guys on the other hand, mostly flirt for one purpose: getting laid.

Here's where it gets interesting: make a guy think he has a slight chance of getting some, and he will pretty much do whatever you want, within the realms of reason. And sometimes way above.

Now every girl has her own flirting strategies. I have a friend whose tactics involve breaking a guy down. She basically stands there and verbally attacks him until all he wants is to take her to bed. She calls him an idiot, she mocks every other word he says, she puts herself up on a pedestal and boom: the guy is bending backwards and forwards trying to make body contact. I was actually getting uncomfortable by her harshness, but he said it made her "interesting." Go figure.

Another girl I know will always make a guy feel like he's the most amazing man in the world. She will laugh at everything he says, open her eyes wide when he mentions he works in private banking, she will strategically place her hand on his chest several time during the conversation and bam: the guy wants her to show the same kind of attention to the part of him growing in his pants.

Flirting is fun. And when you're in a relationship, it's something you miss. Remember that episode of Friends when Chandler tries to flirt with the pizza delivery girl, and Monica says she's not jealous because she flirts with guys all the time? We flirt all the time because it gives us a sense of validation. I flirt, you respond, I feel like I still got it. There is this guy I know who was sick for several months, and as he got better and his looks came back to normal, the only thing he wanted to do was test his flirting and see if it still had the same effect. He left his girlfriend because she couldn't give him that validation.

It's too bad we forget to keep flirting with our boyfriends. Make him work for sleeping with you tonight instead of having sex on the dot like it's part of a routine. My aunt, who has been happily married for 23 years says she still flirts with her husband every day. And what happens? he flirts back. Moral of the story: keep treating your man as if he wasn't, and you'll live happily ever after.

The Big O or the Big NO?

Here are the facts: 15% of sexually active women have either never experienced an orgasm, or as rarely as two or three times. 25 % say they experience orgasms "rarely" or "very rarely" and 40% say they experience them "sometimes." Only 25% of women always climax.

Compare that to more than 90% of men who climax every single time. Seems kind of unfair, doesn't it?

The idea for the post came over girlie drinks and a conversation about sexual pleasure. My friend said she has experienced an orgasm "only once." This is a woman who's had several sexual partners, a long term relationship, and a lot of sexual pleasure. But, it was only on that one occasion that she realized what an orgasm actually was --and what she'd been missing out on. Before that, she was unsure. Great pleasure during sex can feel like an orgasmic sensation when you don't have anything to compare it to. But once you do, you can tell the difference. The truth is, it's hard for most women, and for some, even harder, to achieve that state of out of this world, mind blowing, infinite sensations of ecstasy that take over your entire body and brain functions in that moment of climax.

And so I poked around. I surveyed 41 girls (who answered anonymously) and 20 guys and put it all together in rhapsody form --I'm not gonna sit there and give you accurate data in percentages about everything I say, I'm just gonna hope that everyone will benefit from this post, on the long run.

Here's the thing, guys: most of you believe that your partner climaxes every time you have sex. And I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but it just isn't so. Now while a lot of girls actually tell their partners when they haven't had an orgasm, most do not. Why? Well, because girls know how much the male ego is correlated with sexual performance, and men seem to believe that they are all sexual predators. That women only fake it with others. That they can tell whether or not she fakes it. Hum. You're gonna have to take a little bruise to that big ego of yours, and accept that it is physically harder for women to have an orgasm. Even if you are god-like in bed.


The reason is simple: it's not a mechanical process for women, as it is for men. Men should already know this by now... we are complicated creatures in almost every aspect  --why should sex be any different? Climaxing is not just physical for women --and I'm not saying we have to be in love (although some do) I'm just saying it's very "mental" for us too... a girl needs to want to have an orgasm before she can get one.

Now when girls try to explain this to their boyfriends, they don't always get positive reactions. While some guys are great about understanding that "it's hard to please women!" as one of my Rats said, many others do not. They are "shocked, upset, deceived." They "freak out, are annoyed and completely turned off," but mostly they "feel sorry for her." They believe the girl is "frigid" and "has a problem." One of my friends tried to tell her partner about it, and he didn't even believe her. That's how big of an ego he had. "Every girl I've ever been with always climaxed," he said. Yeah, right. Believing she had no orgasm, that's inconceivable. But believing she has two or three orgasm every time you have intercourse, now that's believable!

Another guy was so upset, the next few times they had sex, he was constantly asking if she was faking every sound she made. He was a complete drama queen about it. Made her feel terrible for ever mentioning it, and she ended up faking it again. The truth is, most "sounds" aren't fake at all. They are moans of pleasure that are very real. But they are just not the big O. Unfortunately.

So what's the faking all about? Well, most of the time, it's to get it over and done with. When a girl knows she's not going to cum, especially during penetration, she fakes it. Girls fake it because they don't want their partners to "feel bad," they fake it because they are "bored" or "tired," they fake it "to boost his ego." One girl said "because I was bored and wanted it to be over... so I thought if I faked it and then he came, we could all just go home..."Sounds like something I've done, to be honest.

But some girls maintain they have never faked it, and they let their partners know when they couldn't climax. And some guys get more excited and want to do everything they can to make her cum. And others are frustrated (and selfish) and decide that there is something wrong with her. It seems to me, from the conversations I've had over this topic in the last few weeks, that talking about this openly makes for much better sex. When guys drop the ego act and just understand the difficulties of the female orgasm, when they put in a little extra effort to understand how this particular girl feels pleasure, it comes highly appreciated. For one, most women cannot ever cum by penetration, so unless you've got preliminaries covered, you can be pretty sure she's isn't having an orgasm. Again, it's not because you're not good --it's because intercourse alone is not very good at stimulating the woman's clitoris. Annnd it's not by rubbing her clit for two minutes that she's gonna cum either. It takes 15 to 40 minutes on average, so... put in the time.

It's not about how long you can last. It's not about how big your penis is. Although if you last under thirty second and/or your penis is the size of a bean, then yes, it most definitely does matter. If a guy just lets a girl take him through it without making her feel like she's killing his ego, and if the girl just communicates her needs to her partner without being afraid of his reaction, I'm pretty sure those percentages would change dramatically. And guys, you would feel pretty good about it too. One guy appropriately said "When a woman orgasms, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world to know that I had something to do with making her feel that good."

And here's another good thought to end on, courtesy of a guy I've never met but who sounds pretty darn great: "Orgasms bring out the woman in every girl, sometimes the girl in every woman. They say a lot about the character and how a girl truly is, or is not. I would say I like them a lot, they're the biggest turn-on... when they're real."

:)
 
PS: I just want to thank everyone who participated in the survey, especially those I don't know... I really appreciate the help!

Beirut RATShodies: Fictional Friction

It's that time of the month again. I've asked the boys to weigh in and give their own views from time to time, so that every one gets a say and I keep things on an even field... This month's guest blogger is my dear friend, Lupe Don Pappa. I assure you, he is the one who came up with his own pseudonym, as I would have never, in my wildest imaginative creations, could've come up with a name like that... In any case, Lupe Don Pappa has decided to give us his own take on "friends with benefits," a topic I actually wanted to write about before, but had no personal experience on the matter... 

Today’s topic of conversation will revolve around a concept so often misunderstood, so easily misjudged, yet a concept that brings such joy to both parties involved .. the concept of “The Friend with Benefits”. 

For those who have never heard of it, friends with benefit(s) (it’s really only one additional benefit) are “friends by day, sex partners by night”, “typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment”. What a great concept. (Friendship + sex) – (commitment + feelings) - It’s basically a care free way of enjoying life.

Before getting into too much detail, it is important to point out that the concept of a friend with benefits differs substantially from a “fuck friend” or “fuck buddy”. The etymology of the words says it all - a fuck friend is a fuck before a friend. A friend with benefits is a friend before a benefit. Therefore, a friend with benefits should always be treated as a friend first and foremost, with the utmost respect. Other basics for a healthy “friends with benefits” relationship:

-       Avoid the drama - Pick a good friend, (not someone in a relationship – relationships = drama). You need to be sexually aroused by that person and need to be sure that person has, at some point in her life, pictured you naked

-       This is not a test drive – Throw expectations out the door. This is not a way to test drive the car before deciding if you want to actually purchase it. This is a mutually beneficial relationship based on SEX and FRIENDSHIP. You start on the wrong foot, someone is bound to get hurt

-       Lay down the law – Communicate with your partner before you start. After all, you guys are friends before “fuckers”. Be explicit about the needs and wants, you are not roofy’ing someone in a night club. Rules and regulations are good, don’t break them

-       Keep it on the down low – Don’t go brag about it to your friends; keep it a secret (at least in the beginning).  No one cares who you’re sleeping with. Seriously.

-       Don’t ask don’t tell – It’s none of your business where he was last night or who he was with. He is allowed to see other people, so are you... No need for explanations, just be respectful and don’t splash it in each other’s faces (literal splashing in faces not included)

-       Have a signal that’s just your own – Chose a word or an expression that insinuates you need it right now. Like at this exact moment. No one else can know what it is. It’s your little secret.

Now that you’ve determined how to build and maintain that relationship it’s crucial to make sure you are dealing with the right person. Ladies and Gentlemen, below please find 6 basic rules on picking the right friend with benefits:

-       Post-Breakup – Any girl that just came out of a relationship is in a state of fragility and needs some extra loving. She is lacking serotonin in her brain, that’s a smart word for the happy hormone. Make sure you’re there to fill her right up

-       Just Hot – Any girl (or guy for that matter) that is so hot that the thought of them not getting laid is just implausible

-       Daddy’s Girl – Any girl with serious daddy issues, because they always appreciate a good spanking

-       FM Pumps – Any girl that wears high heels more than 4 days a week / any guy that unbuttons 2 or more of his buttons and smells like he just got out of the perfume section of Harvey Nichols is a definite candidate (which basically means any Lebanese dude on the planet)

-       Fictional Friction – Any girl / guy you’ve masturbated to in the last 4 weeks should be included on the list … in fact any girl / guy that’s walked in on you masturbating in the last 4 weeks should be top of your list

So I say good luck to all in your search and quest, may you be blessed with a life full or friendship and great sex. 

And a final note, for the ladies out there, as you can see, there are definitely benefits with being my friend. Ping me.

Lupe Don Pappa

Cigar Sunday

Nothing like a Sunday afternoon spent with the Rats on their traditional "Cigar Sunday" to give me material for a post. Especially when guest-rats, who were visiting for Easter Weekend, were added to the pack. I could barely keep up with the stories.

It was kind of the "kick-off" for the Spring/Summer season, which in terms of dating is especially fun. Like Wiserat says, in winter, you just want to have someone you can curl up with and watch a movie under the covers. But when the sun is shinning and every other girl in town is showing off her legs and her cleavage, the Rats want come out to play. My friend the Masochist, who missed his plane a couple of days ago and was stuck overnight in a shitty hotel in Egypt, made friends with another unfortunate passenger, and to pass the time, she started telling him her life story. Including this particularly interesting breakup: her ex-boyfriend tells her one day "You know honey, I really love you... but it's summer now." Kind of says it all, doesn't it?


It is difficult to describe Cigar Sunday into words that would do it justice. At 5pm, it was three cigars, three Rats, and a couple of Almaza bottles at a corner table in Torino Express. By 7pm, three dozen shots of Tequila Gold had passed around, one round of AK47s, glasses of Arak, Jim Beam and vodka were spread on two tables and half the bar, as the party of three turned into a gathering of 15. My friend the Swiss, who is wired to flirt 24/7 no matter what, announced that he was currently dating an eighteen-year-old who is still in high-school. "I have the same conversations with her as with every other girl I dated who were my age," he said, defending her level of maturity. Tells you a lot about the girls he likes to date. He also managed to tell us, in the same sentence, that he "loved" his 18-year-old girlfriend, and that he had scored some girl the night before at three in the morning. Three shots later, there was talk about condoms and the tricks they play in order to get away with not wearing one. Educated men justifying the fact that if a girl asks you to wear a condom, to them that means it's pretty safe to do it without one. There was lusting over a gorgeous girl who walked in with her fiance. And, last but not least, there was a rating of girls in terms of how many drinks they need to have before they can "bang her." Like the Masochist says: "There are no ugly women. Just not enough alcohol."

There is no real morale to this post. Just maybe, I'd say, that although not all men are Rats, there is a Rat in every man.

the politics of sex

We all know the cliche --women who sleep around are whores, while men who sleep around are hot playboys. And I'm actually sick to death of hearing about this: everyone knows the difference between a whore and a girl who likes to have sex a lot, and it has nothing to do with the number of men in her little black book. That's just something men and their egos created, because they don't like sharing, they don't like to know how many men were here before them, blablabla...

But whether we like it or not, sex is a game of politics. It's so filled with subtle innuendoes and so many rules it's almost enough to take out all the fun of out it --almost. Here's the bottom line: when girls have a one night stand, or sleep with a guy on the first date, they are perceived as easy. And when a guy thinks a girl is easy, he usually never wants to see her again. The "Bitch 101" bible says when you like a guy, you should keep his hands off you as long as you can, because the more he waits for it, the more he'll appreciate it, and the less he is likely to walk out after the deed is done. Now guys reading this are thinking "no, what, we like girls who sleep with us right away and don't play games..." Yeah, of course they like it when their penis is about to explode in their jeans. But afterwards... not so much.

Now my friend Wiserat says men like both kinds of women: those who sleep with them right away, for when they're "horny and want to bang on the spot." And they like those who make them sweat for it, when they're not too lazy and feel like chasing. Now he calls this men's "sexual attention span" --you can make the guy wait and chase, but not too long, otherwise he's just going to get pissed and tell you to go f*^# yourself.

My friend Curls went on a date with this guy, and decided, in advance, that she wouldn't sleep with him that night. Girls do that a lot, decide in advance --it helps us keep control, or decide not to shave so we have to keep control. Anyway, on date two, she thought to herself: if I have a good time and the guy is a keeper, I'm not going to his place. If he turns out to be a loser, I'm going to have sex with him. Weird thought? Actually for girls, it's starting to all make sense: if you like the guy, you wait. If you don't care whether he calls tomorrow, you go for it.

The politics of it can make your head spin. But at the end of the day, sex is supposed to be fun. Pleasuring. Spontaneous. And, believe it or not guys, sometimes all a girl wants is a good time, in the moment, without the headache of political innuendoes.  But why do guys always assume they're using the girl, not the other way around?