the goal is to bring him home tonight

This is about the other girl. Not the one that I always rat about, who gets tugged around and played with and endures the calamities that come with dating men. This is about the girl that sees a guy from across the room, and with one look she already knows that he's going to be hers. Because the truth is, when a woman confidently sets her mind to something nothing can stop her.

Now don't get me wrong: this can be the same girl. I've seen it. I've been it. You can be the victim at one time and you can hold the reigns at another --it all depends on the situation and the guy and the timing. A couple of nights ago I was having a drink with a friend and she says to me "the goal is to bring him home tonight." I smiled. There I was having a girlie drink with one of my girlfriends and in stead of analyzing what this new crush of hers said or did, she just wanted to go through the motions and establish a plan that would get him into her bed. I loved it.

My other friend (whose nickname sets off alarms so I'm keeping it anonymous) usually meets a guy and plans the wedding ceremony within the same hour. But lately the balance seems to have tipped her way. He's the one talking about "us" for the next three years while she is still trying to remember his last name. She finds herself on a guy's bed and he's the one who doesn't want to go any further... yet.

Or this other girl who met this guy who is really insisting on trying out a long distance relationship.  Or my friend who is having trouble in her relationship because he thinks she is not making enough effort. Or my other friend who is feeling bad because she is using a guy for sex and moral support even though she knows he is in love with her and she doesn't see it going it anywhere. Sounds like I'm confusing my pronouns.

And then there's me. I'm an open book, literarily, just read the blog and you'll know what I'm thinking, what I've been through, when I'm depressed and when I'm happy. But even I can have the bring-him-home-tonight attitude sometimes. Think some guy can make me feel like shit for no reason and then come back and pretend like nothing happened? Not this time. If there's anything I learnt this year, it's to put myself first. Wise-rat told me: "You need to find a guy who will treat you like a princess." And there will be no settling for less.

[Beirut RATsodies] The Manception List: Keys to a man's mind

Keeping on with the promise to bring Rat perspective to the blog, today my dear friend is giving us ladies the "keys to a man's mind." The keys to men like him anyway. And the truth is, he's one of those coveted men that grab the attention of all the girls in the room. And with the scarcity of available guys out there, I guess if you find the right one, you should know how to play your cards right.

Dear Rhapsodies followers,

I am a Rat. More specifically, the one whom this blog’s writer gracefully baptized as “Wise Rat”. Don’t really know if there’s any actual wisdom or if our dear host is so desperate that she can find it in a Rat, but whatever it is, I’ll try to pass it on here while trying to be as gentle as I can and not offend any of you non-rats for I am a guest today...

The Rhapsodies have covered a lot of different and diverse topics, some accurate, some useless, some fun, some completely biased, but the one common and constant trait is the appalling lack of knowledge of the man’s mind. Therefore, instead of picking one topic, I will kindly contribute with one the greatest sacrifices I believe to be: The Self Help Book approach. While truly despising the “How to get over him in 3 weeks” family of “literary” works, I’ll be listing some simple Dos and Donts that will give you the key set of the male’s mind. Ladies, I proudly give you: THE MANCEPTION LIST (to be kept in your purses at all times).

DOS:

1.     Humor

Nothing is more appealing than a funny girl. NOT a party girl, but an actual funny girl. That’s the one we would consider spending the rest of our lives with. Laugh about things with him and laugh at him. Great humor is raw intelligence; men who are scared of smart chicks will accept it under the form of humor. My personal perfect ideal fantasy is a Mila Kunis meets Dave Chappelle.

2.     Be Real

That’s universal, come on. No pun intended, but you tend to over think things, which clouds your judgment, behavior or in some cases your entire persona. That’s a time bomb.  Typical scenario: She acts different in the early stages > he gets comfy > she goes back to her true self > he’s disappointed, > he leaves > she’s left asking herself who and what to hate for that. Major DON’T.

3.     Chivalry

Own up to your modern woman status along with the traditional touch. It’s a beautiful balance. I call it modern chivalry for chicas: OFFER to pay (but don’t actually do it), be concerned when he’s ill and get him some bullshit medicine. My personal favorite: A girl who holds the door for me once in a while (I stress on the occasional element). Man up ladies.

4.     Be Anal

 The anus, The Glory Hole, The Sweet Eye, The Great Gatsby, The Velvet Ring.  Use it and let it inspire you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pushing for systematic sodomy, but more of a symbol to keep things in bed adventurous, spiced up and simply open minded to new experiences. “Open” being the key word here...

5.     Get some Boxes

The fact is that men are more of rational creatures and women emotional. With the good and bad included in both, these two traits tend to clash. By that I mean that men actually have the ability to compartmentalize things and women are more global in their approach. Imagine boxes versus a giant messy purse. Men can organize their lives in a number of boxes: work, friends, relationships, family...etc. If one of those goes sour, it won’t affect the rest, whereas women, while being much more sharp emotionally and with higher sensibility will possibly collapse in tears at a red light if the day at work was stressful and a Counting Crows song came up on the radio which will remind them of that prick who didn’t call last week.  Bottom line: Try to get your boxes right.

DONTS

1.     Victimize

We’re all victims of something at some point. Let’s all try not to linger over rejection, disappointment or debilitating egos people.

2.     Change Anyone (you or him)

You are not the one who will tame a player, or get a “badass” to become a family man. This is the recipe for disaster. If he’s lazy, drinks a lot, not very outgoing or not interested in modern art, either accept those as his traits or run away, just don’t hang on to the fantasy of a “better version him”

3.     Be Anal

As opposed to your lovely waxed organ (see the point above under “Be Anal”), try to read your man and not unleash all hell on him when you could save millions of lives in terms of troubles. E.g: while getting ready to go out: Him:“Babe are you done? We need to leave soon”. Her: Cold look. Silent treatment all night. Bring up “That” ex during pillow talk at the end of the night.

4.     Hand Jobs

This is NOT your place. The hand job exercise is a male sanctuary. Angle, shapes, body structures are all a part of this male only puzzle. It’s not a wooden stick, nor a pet, so please don’t be over zealous when attempting it. Plus, it always shows how bored you guys are when you’re at it.  

5.     Settle for less

I’ll finish on a high note and empower you ladies. Most of the ear raping complaints I get from you come from the fact a lot settle for some douche bag or loser, which you don’t really want in the first place. Know what you want, see the red flags, don’t compromise and you can throw this whole list away. Being alone ain’t all that bad and can save us all some time and money on “I need to talk coffees and lunches“ and this entire blog in the process.

Hope this helps,

Wise rat.