What I do have

It's the end of the year. A difficult year for me, but a very fruitful one. One that made me extremely sad but also left me richer in so many ways.
We spend so much of our lives  focusing on what we don't have, but I want to think about what I do have for once --new year's resolutions coming up and all...

I don't want to talk about the fact that I'm ending the year with no job and no boyfriend, but rather, that I am free to go in any direction I want right now. I dont want to talk about the fact that don't have any money left in my bank account and no plan to make any for the first time in 8 years, but rather that for the first time in so long, I feel free of the constant worry that I need to make enough money to live.

I have friends. The best one could ever wish for. When I was 11 and 12 years old, I didn't have any friends and I used to hide out the fact that I was all alone by hiding in the school library at recess every day. Now I have friends I couldn't live without. Not just obe but many and I know it's one of the best things to have in life. Boyfriends come and go but friends are always there, with a blue couch for me to cry on. Better yet, they take you out dancing, they let you crash their apartment in new york for a month, they knock sense into you with tough love when you need a slap on the face and they sit entire  days with you without saying a word when you need them close by.

I have siblings. A brother and a sister whom I love more than anyone in this world, and I know this must be the thing my mother is most proud of. When I was a kid she used to work very hard to get me to appreciate how beautiful brotherhood can be. Yeah it wasn't always easy to be the elder sister with no mom around when they were growing, but today they look at me with so much love that  makes it so worth it.

I have a country that breaks my heart, but at least I have one. Yeah I hate the fact that I don't have another passport but the truth is, this countrsfcwy wouldn't break my heart if I didn't love it. And has so many of the people I love in it. And has the streets and houses and places where all my memories are.

I have my freedom. No one ever made me practice a religion I didntt believe in, no one ever tried to make me do something I didn't want to do. My father isn't strict about the way I live my life and I do whatever I choose to do, which is incredibly lucky.

And I have my story. Whatever happened this year,  whatever I lost, I gained something else for it in return. And the good thing is, I'm taking all of these things into 2014 with me.

why I haven't been able to write a word

I've been back from New York almost 3 weeks now. I'm currently not working which means I have lots and lots of free time, all to myself, with nothing to do but sit at my computer and write. Or so you would think.

I've sat down and opened Beirut Rhapsodies and tried to work on a new post --wrote something, read it, realized it was very "blah". Left it in the "drafts" folder and forgot about it.
I've tried to work on the story that I came up with when I was in New York, a really exciting project for a novel that I absolutely can't wait to get started on, yet I haven't been able to do anything about it since I've been here.

Every day I've woken up and told myself that today, I would get back to my active lifestyle and go to yoga. I check the schedule, pick the class I want to attend --and then don't end up going. I spent the last two weekends on my best-friends' blue couch, because it's my comfort zone: we each sit on a side, watch some ridiculously mind-numbing TV series and let the day go by.

When it rained last week (superstorm Alexa really wasn't that bad, was it?) I hid under my covers and listened to the honking cars outside, imagining the traffic and feeling delighted that I was completely avoiding it.

So what the hell is happening? Everything I'm describing is me at my most passive behavior. No inspiration to write when it's all I should be doing. But I recognize this feeling. It's me being in Beirut. I get sucked in this black hole of no motivation and no creativity, and the only thing I've actually been able to write about is just this: nothingness.

The truth is, I'm a dreamer. I don't like to feel insignificant, in my little life, driving my little car, running errands and taking way more instagram pictures than I should have time for. So I've been hiding.

But I want to come out now.