unexpectedly unexpected

Being back from holidays is a very harsh reality check, especially when you spent the last 8 days in Paradise and you land back in Beirut. No offense Beirut lovers, I love this city most days of the year, but not today. Not when I just came back from blue skies and turquoise seas, deserted islands and elephant rides and white sand as far as the eyes can see.

I haven't been able to write anything since I got back because the mere idea of getting back into my "life" was depressing to me. Ever since I came back last week, I've tried to pretend that I was still away, hiding away from my usual hangouts, getting lectured by dad because he "hasn't seen me one second since I got back" and being passively present at work --physically but not mentally.

Now it's Monday and there are no more excuses. Everyone is back to reality by now and even though it sucks for a few days, I know that by next week, Thailand will be just a memory and life will be in the present again. The streets full of traffic at any hour of the day; The overcrowded bars, even though you'd think everyone got wasted enough the last two weeks of December, turns out they are even more crowded now; in the office where stacks of papers have piled up and you had promised yourself to put everything back in order in 2012; The bedroom where the new housekeeper (God Bless her, she's the sweetest person on earth but she doesn't understand a word I say) has decided to mix all your clothes with your sisters', as if sharing a room and fighting over who borrows what isn't enough; The to-do-list that you have to stop adding to, and start actually getting done. Did I mention all I've done since I got back is post pictures of Thailand on Facebook and play with my new iphone?

But sometimes in the midst of a nauseating routine, you find a glimpse of the good stuff --and what I mean by the good stuff is Sex. Turns out letting your guard down and just doing what you want to do sometimes takes you to better places. Let me explain --my friend Curls meets this guy over Xmas break: she doesn't live here, he doesn't live here, they've got nothing to lose. They find themselves attracted to each other and in that moment she knows all she wants from him is physical. She lets her guard down, doesn't play games, goes for what she wants and what happens? It actually clicks. I mention this because she is the queen of meeting new guys and it not working out. She is almost always looking for something serious, something meaningful, and she's a romantic one --but usually in stead of letting things flow as they should, she is prepared to settle for less. She meets a guy, realizes he fits the checklist, and holds onto him for dear life. Why? Because after years of getting run over by men you develop this phobia (and this is purely my own theory) that you may very well never find what you've always dreamed of and you settle for less. And if there is one thing I hate most in life it has to be just that. I almost fell for this too, not so long ago: met a guy, found him good-looking and charming and sweet and A-Perfect on every item on the list but you know what, at the end of our "date" I was disappointed. There he was: great on paper but no butterflies. Amazingly well-rounded but with nothing "special." No edge. Nothing out of the box. It was a perfectly well wrapped box with a pretty bow on top, and I'm sorry but that's not for me. And it's not for Curls either. Now the second she thought "I've got nothing to lose" suddenly she was herself. She broke down the barriers we put up to be our most attractive self, and put her cards on the table. I know, men like to chase. They don't want all your cards upfront. But it's all in the attitude. I spent all year listening to all kinds of advice from all kinds of people and it got me nowhere, until I met this guy randomly and I decided to have a one night stand --because that is exactly what I wanted-- and it turns out it was a damn good stand to take. It felt liberating to finally act the way I want, with no calculating and no over-thinking, just simply following my own wants and needs. 

So I think I finally may have figured it out. It's not the games and the number of calls and the bitch 101. It's whether you do what you want, or whether you do what you think he wants you to do. Simple as that. And here's the thing about doing what you want: it is so much more fun.

lonesome cowboy

The other day I was in a car with three guys, who were, obviously, discussing women. And one of them is a forty-something single guy, who said his episodes with women were like Lucky Luke adventures: at the end of every story, he goes off onto the next, alone.

It's a funny thing about men. Now don't get me wrong, I love men, and all my closest friends are guys. But Rats and non-Rats alike, too many of them have this relationship phobia. What is it about commitment that makes them freak out so much? Some of the guys I know are commitment kings, always in a relationship, very comfortable in admitting that life is more fun when you have someone to share it with.

But the majority are just not like that, and they're the ones I'm gonna talk about, because they're the ones we deal with as single women. Actually, we deal with it even as women in relationships, when our boyfriends make us feel like they're doing this major sacrifice by committing to us, and that we should be grateful.

Hmm. Well apparently there's this new trend going on with guys who openly tell you, right upfront, that they are "assholes." I find it very odd, when you are flirting with a girl, trying to get some... to immediately say: "By the way, you should know, I'm an asshole." Wow. Exemplary. Now the guy thinks he has a free pass for being an asshole, because he told you so. You've been warned. So if he doesn't call, doesn't make an effort, doesn't take you out for dinner or never sees you again, at least he was honest. Who can put a price on that?

What's funny is that they probably think that by giving you that line straight up, they're being honorable. They actually believe it frees them of any guilt. When I spoke about this with the Rats, they all praised guys who are "so transparent." An ex-boyfriend of mine also told me that whenever he had flings with girls, he would tell them honestly that he wasn't looking for anything, that this was purely physical, making him feel like he was doing the right thing. So basically, if you say you're an asshole, then you can no longer be considered an asshole, because a real asshole would never actually say it. Blows your mind, doesn't it?

And then us girls are left with two choices: either consciously accept the asshole, or reject the asshole, and wait until the next one comes along --with or without the honest touch. Fine. Fair play. But I think, in my oh-so-clever-mind and after years of listening to Rats' tales, that these guys are just cowards. The idea of relationships freaks them out, and some get over it after the age of thirty five, and others, like my uncle the Legend, stay that way forever. Newsflash guys: not every girl you make out with wants to take you home to mom and get you to put a ring on her finger. That's just a rumor. Most just want to have a good time, like you, and if you really clicked, try and see how it goes. But with the asshole line, you've just wrecked it for good.

Now I love the exception to the rule. When Mr. Asshole meets Ms. Bitch, and suddenly the line becomes: "I'm usually such an asshole with every girl I meet, but you are sooo different from all these girls." And there can be the start of the greatest love story, where the player is turned into a one-woman man, and everyone is astonished at how this girl was able to tame him. And she feels proud that with her extraordinary womanly skills, she lured him into the commitment he was so phobic about. And it's good while it lasts. Until the Lucky Luke inside him wakes up some odd-years later, and wants to get back on that horse.

So my question is, lonesome cowboy... where do you think you're going to end up?