the audacity of flirting

There's a game and we all know it. Some people claim they hate the game, don't play by the rules and don't respect the code but in the end, there is always some kind of conscious effort made to make sure you get what you want. It's like a chess game, when you think about it. You can have the first move but that doesn't necessarily mean that you will get the last. And along the way, every decision you make will count.


And so it goes with games of the heart. In the traditional sense of the game, men have the first move. But sometimes girls get bold. They see a guy they like and actually approach him. I've asked some guys about this and apparently they like it, as long as it balances out afterwards. I was having this conversation with two people I met last night, and the guy said "The girl can do the first move, and we like it, but after that it has to be our game." He told me the story of how he once got sent a drink over at a bar, from some girl in the back. Gorgeous girl, it turns out. And he liked the move, it came a surprise and it felt bold and confident. He sent over a drink too, then went to speak to her and had a nice chat. At the end of the night, when he asked for her number, she said no. When he saw her again, she gave him her number this time, but when he asked her out, she said no, twice. Somewhere along the way, there was a tipping point, and she went over it. In playing in the boys field and playing hard to get, there is that fine line between mysteriously attractive and annoyingly arrogant.



But I like the idea of a girl making the first move. When I was eleven years old I sent a Valentine's Day gift to a boy I had a crush on and I think that can be seen as pretty audacious. It was a heart shaped red cardboard with heart shaped pasta glued on it and it said "will you be my valentine?". And what did I get in return? Nothing. Not even the acknowledgement that I had sent anything at all. I know I was only eleven but seriously, this is the kind of rejection that sticks with you for a lifetime. I mean, yes, i only remembered this episode as I tried to find some kind of example of me making the first move, but I think the reason why it's the only example is because it must've been traumatizing. So I admire the girl who sends a drink to a guy she finds cute, and I respect the girl who isn't afraid of rejection, because they go for what they want and don't give the guy all the cards. Maybe I'll try it some day, soon, just to see how it feels. 



When I think about it, I guess the way we flirt all depends on the mood, on the time and place, and on what you want from him. You don't flirt the same way with someone you want to sleep with that same night, than with someone you want to live happily ever after with. You don't give off the same vibes and you don't say the same words, and your body language is definitely different. But one thing is for sure: you never know where that first move might lead you. The boy I sent the V-Day card to? He's been my best-friend for the last 15 years. So it's all good.

the goal is to bring him home tonight

This is about the other girl. Not the one that I always rat about, who gets tugged around and played with and endures the calamities that come with dating men. This is about the girl that sees a guy from across the room, and with one look she already knows that he's going to be hers. Because the truth is, when a woman confidently sets her mind to something nothing can stop her.

Now don't get me wrong: this can be the same girl. I've seen it. I've been it. You can be the victim at one time and you can hold the reigns at another --it all depends on the situation and the guy and the timing. A couple of nights ago I was having a drink with a friend and she says to me "the goal is to bring him home tonight." I smiled. There I was having a girlie drink with one of my girlfriends and in stead of analyzing what this new crush of hers said or did, she just wanted to go through the motions and establish a plan that would get him into her bed. I loved it.

My other friend (whose nickname sets off alarms so I'm keeping it anonymous) usually meets a guy and plans the wedding ceremony within the same hour. But lately the balance seems to have tipped her way. He's the one talking about "us" for the next three years while she is still trying to remember his last name. She finds herself on a guy's bed and he's the one who doesn't want to go any further... yet.

Or this other girl who met this guy who is really insisting on trying out a long distance relationship.  Or my friend who is having trouble in her relationship because he thinks she is not making enough effort. Or my other friend who is feeling bad because she is using a guy for sex and moral support even though she knows he is in love with her and she doesn't see it going it anywhere. Sounds like I'm confusing my pronouns.

And then there's me. I'm an open book, literarily, just read the blog and you'll know what I'm thinking, what I've been through, when I'm depressed and when I'm happy. But even I can have the bring-him-home-tonight attitude sometimes. Think some guy can make me feel like shit for no reason and then come back and pretend like nothing happened? Not this time. If there's anything I learnt this year, it's to put myself first. Wise-rat told me: "You need to find a guy who will treat you like a princess." And there will be no settling for less.

[Beirut RATsodies] The Manception List: Keys to a man's mind

Keeping on with the promise to bring Rat perspective to the blog, today my dear friend is giving us ladies the "keys to a man's mind." The keys to men like him anyway. And the truth is, he's one of those coveted men that grab the attention of all the girls in the room. And with the scarcity of available guys out there, I guess if you find the right one, you should know how to play your cards right.

Dear Rhapsodies followers,

I am a Rat. More specifically, the one whom this blog’s writer gracefully baptized as “Wise Rat”. Don’t really know if there’s any actual wisdom or if our dear host is so desperate that she can find it in a Rat, but whatever it is, I’ll try to pass it on here while trying to be as gentle as I can and not offend any of you non-rats for I am a guest today...

The Rhapsodies have covered a lot of different and diverse topics, some accurate, some useless, some fun, some completely biased, but the one common and constant trait is the appalling lack of knowledge of the man’s mind. Therefore, instead of picking one topic, I will kindly contribute with one the greatest sacrifices I believe to be: The Self Help Book approach. While truly despising the “How to get over him in 3 weeks” family of “literary” works, I’ll be listing some simple Dos and Donts that will give you the key set of the male’s mind. Ladies, I proudly give you: THE MANCEPTION LIST (to be kept in your purses at all times).

DOS:

1.     Humor

Nothing is more appealing than a funny girl. NOT a party girl, but an actual funny girl. That’s the one we would consider spending the rest of our lives with. Laugh about things with him and laugh at him. Great humor is raw intelligence; men who are scared of smart chicks will accept it under the form of humor. My personal perfect ideal fantasy is a Mila Kunis meets Dave Chappelle.

2.     Be Real

That’s universal, come on. No pun intended, but you tend to over think things, which clouds your judgment, behavior or in some cases your entire persona. That’s a time bomb.  Typical scenario: She acts different in the early stages > he gets comfy > she goes back to her true self > he’s disappointed, > he leaves > she’s left asking herself who and what to hate for that. Major DON’T.

3.     Chivalry

Own up to your modern woman status along with the traditional touch. It’s a beautiful balance. I call it modern chivalry for chicas: OFFER to pay (but don’t actually do it), be concerned when he’s ill and get him some bullshit medicine. My personal favorite: A girl who holds the door for me once in a while (I stress on the occasional element). Man up ladies.

4.     Be Anal

 The anus, The Glory Hole, The Sweet Eye, The Great Gatsby, The Velvet Ring.  Use it and let it inspire you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pushing for systematic sodomy, but more of a symbol to keep things in bed adventurous, spiced up and simply open minded to new experiences. “Open” being the key word here...

5.     Get some Boxes

The fact is that men are more of rational creatures and women emotional. With the good and bad included in both, these two traits tend to clash. By that I mean that men actually have the ability to compartmentalize things and women are more global in their approach. Imagine boxes versus a giant messy purse. Men can organize their lives in a number of boxes: work, friends, relationships, family...etc. If one of those goes sour, it won’t affect the rest, whereas women, while being much more sharp emotionally and with higher sensibility will possibly collapse in tears at a red light if the day at work was stressful and a Counting Crows song came up on the radio which will remind them of that prick who didn’t call last week.  Bottom line: Try to get your boxes right.

DONTS

1.     Victimize

We’re all victims of something at some point. Let’s all try not to linger over rejection, disappointment or debilitating egos people.

2.     Change Anyone (you or him)

You are not the one who will tame a player, or get a “badass” to become a family man. This is the recipe for disaster. If he’s lazy, drinks a lot, not very outgoing or not interested in modern art, either accept those as his traits or run away, just don’t hang on to the fantasy of a “better version him”

3.     Be Anal

As opposed to your lovely waxed organ (see the point above under “Be Anal”), try to read your man and not unleash all hell on him when you could save millions of lives in terms of troubles. E.g: while getting ready to go out: Him:“Babe are you done? We need to leave soon”. Her: Cold look. Silent treatment all night. Bring up “That” ex during pillow talk at the end of the night.

4.     Hand Jobs

This is NOT your place. The hand job exercise is a male sanctuary. Angle, shapes, body structures are all a part of this male only puzzle. It’s not a wooden stick, nor a pet, so please don’t be over zealous when attempting it. Plus, it always shows how bored you guys are when you’re at it.  

5.     Settle for less

I’ll finish on a high note and empower you ladies. Most of the ear raping complaints I get from you come from the fact a lot settle for some douche bag or loser, which you don’t really want in the first place. Know what you want, see the red flags, don’t compromise and you can throw this whole list away. Being alone ain’t all that bad and can save us all some time and money on “I need to talk coffees and lunches“ and this entire blog in the process.

Hope this helps,

Wise rat.

Game on

I've been reading this book (The Game) for the last three days and I have to say it's the ultimate disappointment. After the last blog some of the guys told me "Noooo, don't do this, you can't reveal the game, it's our bible, blablabla." So I thought I was really going to find some super amazing magical trick that men have discovered to pick up women. But the truth is, it's actually a little pathetic.

Did you know that there are men in this world who spend so much time trying to figure out how to pick up women that they devise strategies, scientifically precise techniques, with memorized openers and rules on how to get the "target." We (women) are the target by the way.

Ok, I'll admit, it's a very funny book. But I wonder if Neil Strauss ever thought of what would happen if women started reading it --because honestly it lowers the game's standards to a whole new level of low. These men have an entire underground society, with Gurus and Mentors that compete with one another's techniques... They have a whole language full of jargon like Neg (break a woman's confidence by using a line like "you kinda have man hands") Sarge (going out to meet women) and Condiment Anchoring (you don't even want to know). These guys take workshops to work on their craft, exchange tips online on some secret forum with a password, and attend seminars. Talk about working it. 

But since we're talking, I'll share the first technique. Men, listen carefully: Smile when you walk into a room. Spot the group with your target, and approach them instantly. Instantly means you have 3 seconds to walk over and say some very funny, interesting, and obviously memorized opener to the entire group. Ignore the target. Then neg the target with some stupid neg you've memorized. Make sure you keep the attention of the entire group by doing a magic trick, or tell a super funny joke. Isolate the target by telling her you want to show her something cool, and do something that will fascinate her  like an ESP test (because that is the way to a women's heart --or pants). Look for IOIs (indicator of interest) like if she asks your name, or if you squeeze her hand and she squeezes it back... Stop talking and see if she re-initiates the conversation. If she does, ask her if she wants to kiss you. If the answer is yes or maybe, dive in. If the answer is no, say "I didn't say you could. It just looked like you had something on your mind."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the Mystery technique. I got bored just writing it down. But just for kicks, I'm gonna teach this technique to the Rats and send them out to try it.  I am actually really curious to see how this could work on anyone. It sounds awfully complicated --magic tricks, ESP demonstrations, memorized openers and jokes to make an entire group of strangers laugh... Just seems like a lot of work just to pick up a girl. And then they say women are complicated! That is officially the most complicated flirting approach I have ever heard of --and it's not even actual flirting, it's a list of to-dos that needs a cheat-sheet to keep you on track. 

I talked about this over dinner with Tenor and Wiserat, and they were dumbfounded. Now obviously, good looking guys like them who have a natural talent in flirting with random girls would never think about using some complicated technique that takes all the fun of it. But for guys who are shy, geeky, ugly and/or socially awkward, The Game is apparently the way to go. But because I trust my Rats (I've seen their work, and it's good...) I'll share Wiserat's obviously wise opinion: "All men need to know about women, are three things: They want you to make them laugh, to make them feel protected, and (pretend to) understand their feelings."

Game on.

11

I couldn't sleep last night. I spent the last three days telling everyone and their mother that I was going to post 11 resolutions for the new year, that I would have to follow no matter what. The point was to post them all on the blog so I would have witnesses and would feel the pressure to go through with them. I guess I felt so pressured I couldn't sleep all night.
First of all, I couldn't come up with 11 resolutions. I asked my friends to help, and obviously all they could come up with were sexual challenges that included sleeping with a girl, getting spanked, trying the effects of naughty lingerie and some other stuff I prefer not to mention. I guess this post would be a lot more fun for everyone if I agreed to 11 sexual resolutions, but I have to admit I passed on all of them. Not the kind I was looking for.
I was actually hoping for something a little more life challenging, resolutions that would help me put my life on the right track. But who else but me is going to care if I quit smoking, buy a bike or vow to go on a Habitat for Humanity mission?
So there will be no sharing resolutions today. In stead I thought I'd share some of my great wisdom... and I racked my brain for an hour and couldn't come up with anything. So I did what I always do when I lack of inspiration and it's Monday afternoon --I went to the bookstore. I spent a few minutes browsing in the self-help section, of which I already own 90% of all books with titles like "the power of now" and "create a better life," because the simple act of buying the book makes me feel like I've already changed something. Anyway... I spotted a book called The Game, otherwise known as the "single guy's bible." I had already seen that book before, because my ex-boyfriend who never read a book in his life had a copy. He said he started it a couple of days before he met me and that it worked like a charm. Apparently it's a full proof seduction plan to get any woman... Well, I thought, if this book has 11 chapters or more, I'll blog about it. And what do you know? 11 steps, exactly. And the first one is called: "select a target." Wow. I can feel like we are going to have a field day out of this one. So here's the new plan: I'll keep my 11 new year's resolutions to myself, and in stead, I will share with you the 11 steps of this apparently magical book in the upcoming posts. Boys, you might learn something useful. Girls, we're going to learn that boys think of us as targets (step 1), how they plan to extract to a seduction location (step 7) and how they manage expectations (step 11). And maybe, just for fun, I'll play the boys game for a little while --just to see what happens.

This is how Neil Strauss (the author of The Game) starts his book: "I could not become anything: neither bad nor good, neither a scoundrel nor an honest man, neither a hero nor an insect. And now I am eking out my days in my corner, taunting myself with the bitter and entirely useless consolation that an intelligent man cannot seriously become anything; that only a fool can become something." (Fyodor Dostoevsky)