Beirut RATsodies: Raw Emotion

It's been a while since we've had the perspective of a guy around here. Someone who actually volunteered, without me having to beg him to write a few wise words for this blog. And I'm glad he did this because it's something I have to admit I never thought about. Girls complaining about the lack of men in Beirut is the ultimate topic of conversation we've all overdosed on. Yet here's something to feed your thoughts on --or are we too good to let go and use raw emotion? I like the way you think SmartRat*. 
[The Four Rats take offense when I label someone a Rat when he isn't one of the core. For the purpose of this blog, they're gonna have to oversee this offense and readers, please make note that this is not the work of one of the core Rats. Thank you.]

Beirut RATSodies: Raw Emotion

The other night I was getting drunk with two friends. As usual, they were complaining about the scarcity of men in this town. Trying to stay a little chirpy and up their morale, I tried to convince them that there must be hope. I looked around the bar and pointed at a few guys. After this little exercise failed, I quickly noticed the girl’s range of guys to look at was substantially smaller than the males is saw. They literally scanned the whole place in 1.4 seconds, when it took me a good minute to figure out whether one of those guys had potential. First I thought it must be a girl thing (they know what they want, what they look for etc…) but then I quickly realized that they had actually left out the guys working in the bar, which constituted about 40% of the males present. So here’s one of my biggest concern with the girls in Lebanon: They calculate. A lot. There's no room for raw emotion. To them, a guy working in a bar would NEVER make the cut, so there’s no point in even going there. 

I know were in a more traditional part of the world, and it is important not to bring home a bum who’s life plans are to live under a bridge. But at that moment in the bar, I was looking at a bunch of hardworking guys, that might or might not have quite interesting characters, with no chance in hell of ever dating one of my friends. It struck me as sad. Not in the “oh the world is such a sad place where a working guy cant get an upper class girl.” It was sad in a way that was more like an obstruction to the natural attraction process. 

Here’s what I mean. In western society, the image of the good-looking barman, construction worker, truck driver or what not has quite a different lure to women than it does here. Over there a guy like that can be attractive to women. Over here, he’s just: quote “niakkk!”. Now I know this probably has some socio-economic reasons in this part of the world, and that not all the girls here are like that, that it really depends on the situation etc etc. But bottom line is the chance of the average girl getting with a bartender here is probably 87 times lower than anywhere else. That sucks, especially for the bartenders. 

What this creates, I think, is this: the driving force behind a girl engaging in such a way abroad is raw sexual attraction. I think its very healthy. You find much less of that here. Our girls have been so brainwashed with the image of an ideal guy that will make their family, friends and finally them happy, that expectations are really too high and more importantly they are really anticipated. No chance is given to anything that doesn’t match the standards. Most physical encounters are calculated and little is left to a surrender of the flesh. I'm not saying the girls should all start acting like hoes and jump on whatever’s in front of them. But a little more ease in this domain would be appropriate. And the little ease that’s out there shouldn’t all be directed at the “perfect match” guys. 

By the way, I can vow for that. Many girls perceive me as coming from a wealthy background. And its gotten me much further in this city than it has in any other.

Of course its better if you end up dating a presentable guy from down the block whose family kind of looks like yours so that everyone gets along and your social status is maintained or improved. But this shouldn’t and can’t be the decisive factor if your looking for something real. Because odds are, that prince charming is not going to come to you on a silver platter. I do think he might come to some on a cheaper platter and some girls will be lucky to get the silver ones. But they cant ALL be silver.

I think western cultures are much healthier than we are in that way. Couples have more reasonable relationships based on real attraction there. Here, I feel a lot of girls mainly go for the guy that makes everybody else happy. And god forbid he s a foreigner!

Whats up with that? Lebanese girls never giving a foreign guy a chance? Every time my foreign friends (descent guys that are usually quite successful with girls) come to town they complain about how girls are so unapproachable or after a one night stand the girls act like they’ve never met the guy. I'm sure my friends are fine with that, but something’s messed up here no?

the audacity of flirting

There's a game and we all know it. Some people claim they hate the game, don't play by the rules and don't respect the code but in the end, there is always some kind of conscious effort made to make sure you get what you want. It's like a chess game, when you think about it. You can have the first move but that doesn't necessarily mean that you will get the last. And along the way, every decision you make will count.


And so it goes with games of the heart. In the traditional sense of the game, men have the first move. But sometimes girls get bold. They see a guy they like and actually approach him. I've asked some guys about this and apparently they like it, as long as it balances out afterwards. I was having this conversation with two people I met last night, and the guy said "The girl can do the first move, and we like it, but after that it has to be our game." He told me the story of how he once got sent a drink over at a bar, from some girl in the back. Gorgeous girl, it turns out. And he liked the move, it came a surprise and it felt bold and confident. He sent over a drink too, then went to speak to her and had a nice chat. At the end of the night, when he asked for her number, she said no. When he saw her again, she gave him her number this time, but when he asked her out, she said no, twice. Somewhere along the way, there was a tipping point, and she went over it. In playing in the boys field and playing hard to get, there is that fine line between mysteriously attractive and annoyingly arrogant.



But I like the idea of a girl making the first move. When I was eleven years old I sent a Valentine's Day gift to a boy I had a crush on and I think that can be seen as pretty audacious. It was a heart shaped red cardboard with heart shaped pasta glued on it and it said "will you be my valentine?". And what did I get in return? Nothing. Not even the acknowledgement that I had sent anything at all. I know I was only eleven but seriously, this is the kind of rejection that sticks with you for a lifetime. I mean, yes, i only remembered this episode as I tried to find some kind of example of me making the first move, but I think the reason why it's the only example is because it must've been traumatizing. So I admire the girl who sends a drink to a guy she finds cute, and I respect the girl who isn't afraid of rejection, because they go for what they want and don't give the guy all the cards. Maybe I'll try it some day, soon, just to see how it feels. 



When I think about it, I guess the way we flirt all depends on the mood, on the time and place, and on what you want from him. You don't flirt the same way with someone you want to sleep with that same night, than with someone you want to live happily ever after with. You don't give off the same vibes and you don't say the same words, and your body language is definitely different. But one thing is for sure: you never know where that first move might lead you. The boy I sent the V-Day card to? He's been my best-friend for the last 15 years. So it's all good.

I flirt therefor I am

Flirting is an art in and of itself. I'd say it's a new, modern form of art, as before the twentieth century, there wasn't much room for flirting. But now it's all we do. We flirt with the policeman who dared stop us because we were on the phone while driving and he ends up by asking for our phone number. True story. We flirt with the guy at US customs so he doesn't give us trouble because of our Lebanese passport and he ends up asking if "you need someone to show you around the city?" True story. We flirt with a teacher because we failed an exam. We flirt with the bartender because we want to get two seats on the bar and it's Saturday night. We flirt with the bouncer to get us into Skybar, we flirt with the DJ to get him to play "our song," and here is the magic of it all: girls flirt all the time, pretty much to get anything. Guys on the other hand, mostly flirt for one purpose: getting laid.

Here's where it gets interesting: make a guy think he has a slight chance of getting some, and he will pretty much do whatever you want, within the realms of reason. And sometimes way above.

Now every girl has her own flirting strategies. I have a friend whose tactics involve breaking a guy down. She basically stands there and verbally attacks him until all he wants is to take her to bed. She calls him an idiot, she mocks every other word he says, she puts herself up on a pedestal and boom: the guy is bending backwards and forwards trying to make body contact. I was actually getting uncomfortable by her harshness, but he said it made her "interesting." Go figure.

Another girl I know will always make a guy feel like he's the most amazing man in the world. She will laugh at everything he says, open her eyes wide when he mentions he works in private banking, she will strategically place her hand on his chest several time during the conversation and bam: the guy wants her to show the same kind of attention to the part of him growing in his pants.

Flirting is fun. And when you're in a relationship, it's something you miss. Remember that episode of Friends when Chandler tries to flirt with the pizza delivery girl, and Monica says she's not jealous because she flirts with guys all the time? We flirt all the time because it gives us a sense of validation. I flirt, you respond, I feel like I still got it. There is this guy I know who was sick for several months, and as he got better and his looks came back to normal, the only thing he wanted to do was test his flirting and see if it still had the same effect. He left his girlfriend because she couldn't give him that validation.

It's too bad we forget to keep flirting with our boyfriends. Make him work for sleeping with you tonight instead of having sex on the dot like it's part of a routine. My aunt, who has been happily married for 23 years says she still flirts with her husband every day. And what happens? he flirts back. Moral of the story: keep treating your man as if he wasn't, and you'll live happily ever after.

introducing girls and boys

Meet the Lebanese girl.
She's the one who gets her nails to match the buckle of her Chanel bag. She goes to the gym six times a week, has her hair professionally done, wears the latest Louboutin and when it's time to walk that body in a bathing-suit, she looks like she was copy/pasted from Playboy Magazine.
She's the one who sits in the back of Torino Express sipping a beer and inhaling a cigarette with her hair kinda falling in front of her eyes. She reads books written by obscure Russian novelists and shows up at every Art show in town --which most of us don't even know existed.
She's the one who works 15 hours a day, but still manages to look good when she walks out of the office and into Myu at 10pm, ready to put her flirt on. She's the one who goes biking and skiing and climbing --just for the fun of it. She's the one who stands up for gay rights, women's rights, children's rights, and always has an opinion. She's the pretty one, the smart one, the snobish one, the fashion-addicted one, the diet one, the plastic one, the business one. She's all of that and none of that and there's one for every taste.

Meet the Lebanese boy.
He's the one with the black Porsche and the 4 digit car-plate even though he's only 21. He orders Champagne at Palais, and has a table every week of the Summer at Sky Bar. He wears a Polo Ralph Lauren shirt and a Rolex watch, none of which he could ever afford without Dad.
He's the one hiding behind his beard, drinking Tequila shots at Behind the Green Door, sometimes dressed like a homeless drunk, sometimes looking edgy and hot. He smokes weed to chill-out, and ends up at B018 on any given Friday night.
He's the one who works in the family business, and acts as if it was not handed down on a golden platter. He's the one who watches sports on TV, 7 hours a day, and spends the other 7 playing sports --on his Playstation. He's the funny one, the expat one, the sleezy one, the political one, the gay one, the workaholic one, the rich one. He's all of that and none of that and there always seems to be a girl who digs it.

Now meet the Lebanese couple.
They're the ones who are both good-looking, have three beautiful children, and have a professional photographer take their family pictures. They have two Philippino maids, a driver, three cars, and an apartment with sea view. She used to match her nails to her Chanel bag, but now matches it to her kids' clothing. He used to have a table a Sky Bar for the summer, and he still does.
They're the ones who are chilled-out, she still dresses like she was twenty-two, he alternates between the business look and the homeless look depending on the mood. They've been married three years but don't have any children because they're not ready to give up smoking just yet. She's an architect or a journalist, he's a self-made consultant or something financial.
They're the ones who have been dating for seven years, finally got engaged last summer... and then broke up because it suddenly felt too serious. They're the ones who seem to really like each other, especially because they're both from prominent Sunni (Maronite, Chii'a, Orthodox...) families and their parents love each other. They're the ones who are head over heals because their parents can't stand each other, are from different religions, and the boy has no real prospects and the girl doesn't care. They're the ones who cheat on each other like it's just another thing you do, the ones who act like a couple but refuse to acknowledge that they are together, the ones who fight constantly and you wonder why the hell they're still together.

We're all of that and none of that and that's what makes us a little bit Lebanese, and a little bit of that something else that we all bring to the pack.