the audacity of flirting

There's a game and we all know it. Some people claim they hate the game, don't play by the rules and don't respect the code but in the end, there is always some kind of conscious effort made to make sure you get what you want. It's like a chess game, when you think about it. You can have the first move but that doesn't necessarily mean that you will get the last. And along the way, every decision you make will count.


And so it goes with games of the heart. In the traditional sense of the game, men have the first move. But sometimes girls get bold. They see a guy they like and actually approach him. I've asked some guys about this and apparently they like it, as long as it balances out afterwards. I was having this conversation with two people I met last night, and the guy said "The girl can do the first move, and we like it, but after that it has to be our game." He told me the story of how he once got sent a drink over at a bar, from some girl in the back. Gorgeous girl, it turns out. And he liked the move, it came a surprise and it felt bold and confident. He sent over a drink too, then went to speak to her and had a nice chat. At the end of the night, when he asked for her number, she said no. When he saw her again, she gave him her number this time, but when he asked her out, she said no, twice. Somewhere along the way, there was a tipping point, and she went over it. In playing in the boys field and playing hard to get, there is that fine line between mysteriously attractive and annoyingly arrogant.



But I like the idea of a girl making the first move. When I was eleven years old I sent a Valentine's Day gift to a boy I had a crush on and I think that can be seen as pretty audacious. It was a heart shaped red cardboard with heart shaped pasta glued on it and it said "will you be my valentine?". And what did I get in return? Nothing. Not even the acknowledgement that I had sent anything at all. I know I was only eleven but seriously, this is the kind of rejection that sticks with you for a lifetime. I mean, yes, i only remembered this episode as I tried to find some kind of example of me making the first move, but I think the reason why it's the only example is because it must've been traumatizing. So I admire the girl who sends a drink to a guy she finds cute, and I respect the girl who isn't afraid of rejection, because they go for what they want and don't give the guy all the cards. Maybe I'll try it some day, soon, just to see how it feels. 



When I think about it, I guess the way we flirt all depends on the mood, on the time and place, and on what you want from him. You don't flirt the same way with someone you want to sleep with that same night, than with someone you want to live happily ever after with. You don't give off the same vibes and you don't say the same words, and your body language is definitely different. But one thing is for sure: you never know where that first move might lead you. The boy I sent the V-Day card to? He's been my best-friend for the last 15 years. So it's all good.

the politics of sex

We all know the cliche --women who sleep around are whores, while men who sleep around are hot playboys. And I'm actually sick to death of hearing about this: everyone knows the difference between a whore and a girl who likes to have sex a lot, and it has nothing to do with the number of men in her little black book. That's just something men and their egos created, because they don't like sharing, they don't like to know how many men were here before them, blablabla...

But whether we like it or not, sex is a game of politics. It's so filled with subtle innuendoes and so many rules it's almost enough to take out all the fun of out it --almost. Here's the bottom line: when girls have a one night stand, or sleep with a guy on the first date, they are perceived as easy. And when a guy thinks a girl is easy, he usually never wants to see her again. The "Bitch 101" bible says when you like a guy, you should keep his hands off you as long as you can, because the more he waits for it, the more he'll appreciate it, and the less he is likely to walk out after the deed is done. Now guys reading this are thinking "no, what, we like girls who sleep with us right away and don't play games..." Yeah, of course they like it when their penis is about to explode in their jeans. But afterwards... not so much.

Now my friend Wiserat says men like both kinds of women: those who sleep with them right away, for when they're "horny and want to bang on the spot." And they like those who make them sweat for it, when they're not too lazy and feel like chasing. Now he calls this men's "sexual attention span" --you can make the guy wait and chase, but not too long, otherwise he's just going to get pissed and tell you to go f*^# yourself.

My friend Curls went on a date with this guy, and decided, in advance, that she wouldn't sleep with him that night. Girls do that a lot, decide in advance --it helps us keep control, or decide not to shave so we have to keep control. Anyway, on date two, she thought to herself: if I have a good time and the guy is a keeper, I'm not going to his place. If he turns out to be a loser, I'm going to have sex with him. Weird thought? Actually for girls, it's starting to all make sense: if you like the guy, you wait. If you don't care whether he calls tomorrow, you go for it.

The politics of it can make your head spin. But at the end of the day, sex is supposed to be fun. Pleasuring. Spontaneous. And, believe it or not guys, sometimes all a girl wants is a good time, in the moment, without the headache of political innuendoes.  But why do guys always assume they're using the girl, not the other way around?