the goal is to bring him home tonight

This is about the other girl. Not the one that I always rat about, who gets tugged around and played with and endures the calamities that come with dating men. This is about the girl that sees a guy from across the room, and with one look she already knows that he's going to be hers. Because the truth is, when a woman confidently sets her mind to something nothing can stop her.

Now don't get me wrong: this can be the same girl. I've seen it. I've been it. You can be the victim at one time and you can hold the reigns at another --it all depends on the situation and the guy and the timing. A couple of nights ago I was having a drink with a friend and she says to me "the goal is to bring him home tonight." I smiled. There I was having a girlie drink with one of my girlfriends and in stead of analyzing what this new crush of hers said or did, she just wanted to go through the motions and establish a plan that would get him into her bed. I loved it.

My other friend (whose nickname sets off alarms so I'm keeping it anonymous) usually meets a guy and plans the wedding ceremony within the same hour. But lately the balance seems to have tipped her way. He's the one talking about "us" for the next three years while she is still trying to remember his last name. She finds herself on a guy's bed and he's the one who doesn't want to go any further... yet.

Or this other girl who met this guy who is really insisting on trying out a long distance relationship.  Or my friend who is having trouble in her relationship because he thinks she is not making enough effort. Or my other friend who is feeling bad because she is using a guy for sex and moral support even though she knows he is in love with her and she doesn't see it going it anywhere. Sounds like I'm confusing my pronouns.

And then there's me. I'm an open book, literarily, just read the blog and you'll know what I'm thinking, what I've been through, when I'm depressed and when I'm happy. But even I can have the bring-him-home-tonight attitude sometimes. Think some guy can make me feel like shit for no reason and then come back and pretend like nothing happened? Not this time. If there's anything I learnt this year, it's to put myself first. Wise-rat told me: "You need to find a guy who will treat you like a princess." And there will be no settling for less.

when the good stuff comes out

I know I spend a lot of time nit-picking on relationship imbalances, blaming guys for all sorts of devilish attitudes and sometimes it seems like I'm portraying women as victims. The truth is I only talk about themes that appear in my life or in my friends' lives, and it so happens that these are the stories I get. But this week I got a lot of time to look at everything from a different perspective, and I saw something in men that I hadn't seen in a long time.

I was at a wedding in Larnaca on Saturday, the only one I've been to this summer, and it was the sort of wedding where everything was about their love and nothing else. It was so simple --no fluff, no fuss, no one cared about the flower center piece or a big light show or fireworks or whatever it is they do at weddings. Yet there was nothing simple about the way these two felt about each other, how happy they were, and how happy we were to be really sharing this moment. There were 100 guests, so it was intimate, you see. When we danced, the entire party was on the dance floor. The bride was beautiful because of the sheer glow in her eyes and the groom looked at her adoringly and it made us all believe in love. Not one person was sitting there criticizing the dress or the decoration or the choice of entertainment. No one cared and everyone had a wonderful time. A genuine moment, if you know what I mean.

Now in the same week, two of my girls met guys that for once had a very genuine, very healthy approach to flirting. And their first reactions, both of them, was surprise. A guy who actually calls when he says he will, really? A guy who actually stays when you refuse to "go back to his place"? A guy who compliments you for being interesting and fun and "amazing" and is actually listening to the things you say? We kind of forgot they existed. And at first, it's almost boring --because we're not used to liking a guy that doesn't shift our emotions seventy times per minute. But then we realize what it is: the no fluff, no fuss, simple "getting to know each other," when the goal is not to have sex tonight. It still happens, we just forgot.

Even the Rats... they haven't been quoted much lately because, guess what: almost every one of them is in a relationship, and to be honest, they are all amazingly good boyfriends --as far as I can tell. Even though they can be the biggest Rats when they are single, they all have a loverboy side to them and they enjoy it. And it's all wonderful, but it doesn't make for great blog material because who wants to hear about perfect happiness in Lalaland?

So I had a good week, so full of love that I decided I couldn't be cynical and I was just going to mention the good stuff. Maybe it's not the stuff that make a good blog, but it's the stuff that make the good life.

not in my vocabulary

Men are strange. They are able to make decisions sometimes that us girls don't understand, like cut you out of their lives, just like that. Women think and over-think everything. We need to tell the story a hundred different times to a dozen different friends and get everyone's opinion on it to be able to analyze the situation better. We need to give ourselves a reason, to understand what's going on in order to accept it and move on. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of heartache and in the end, we never really know what they were thinking, how the male brain works, why they act the way they do. Mars and Venus. And when you ask a guy for advice, for him to break it down for you, he usually comes up with the simplest answer --something us women never understand.

What do you mean he just decided to stop talking to me? Why didn't he warn me first? Why didn't he say he's just not interested in seeing me anymore? Why didn't he explain? But everything was going fine, he just did this out of the blue! Apparently out-of-the-blue is common in the male brain. They get a tilt, make a decision, and don't go back on it. Simple and clean cut. I wish I was a man.

But I'm not.

A guy friend of mine told me a story today. He was dating this girl, everything was going well, but one day as they were chilling on the beach, she told him something that immediately switched him off. He got up and left. The girl went after him, called him crying begged him to come back so they could talk about it. He said ok. But when he hung up the phone, he made a quick decision. He put his phone on silent and drove home. The next time they spoke was a year later. To him, there were no reasons to justify his behavior. There was nothing to talk about. He made a decision and that was that.

A few days ago, a friend of mine was chatting (whatsapp style) with this guy she's been seeing. He initiated the conversation and they were talking about random things like what they did during the day. And then she asks him if he wants to meet up for a drink --and he stopped answering. She calls him hours later, to see if everything is ok, and he doesn't answer and he doesn't call back. When I told guys about this, no one seemed surprised. It happens, apparently. They've all done it before. It seems they don't believe any justification is needed when they decide things are over, even when that decision is made out of the blue, in the middle of a conversation.

Another girl I know was dating a guy for four years. She traveled for a month,  only to wake up one day and see pictures of him on Facebook with another girl. She goes crazy (obviously) and tries to confront him but he doesn't answer for days. Then he finally calls her back and tells her that he didn't know how to say it before, but he fell in love with someone else and that's that. She just needs to deal with it, he said. And the more I talk about this with guys, the more I realize there is nothing to talk about. As a girl my immediate reaction is to try to understand this behavior, analyze this pattern, figure out this attitude. But there's nothing more to it than a simple switch that turns on and off. I just wish I was a man. But I'm not.