unexpectedly unexpected

Being back from holidays is a very harsh reality check, especially when you spent the last 8 days in Paradise and you land back in Beirut. No offense Beirut lovers, I love this city most days of the year, but not today. Not when I just came back from blue skies and turquoise seas, deserted islands and elephant rides and white sand as far as the eyes can see.

I haven't been able to write anything since I got back because the mere idea of getting back into my "life" was depressing to me. Ever since I came back last week, I've tried to pretend that I was still away, hiding away from my usual hangouts, getting lectured by dad because he "hasn't seen me one second since I got back" and being passively present at work --physically but not mentally.

Now it's Monday and there are no more excuses. Everyone is back to reality by now and even though it sucks for a few days, I know that by next week, Thailand will be just a memory and life will be in the present again. The streets full of traffic at any hour of the day; The overcrowded bars, even though you'd think everyone got wasted enough the last two weeks of December, turns out they are even more crowded now; in the office where stacks of papers have piled up and you had promised yourself to put everything back in order in 2012; The bedroom where the new housekeeper (God Bless her, she's the sweetest person on earth but she doesn't understand a word I say) has decided to mix all your clothes with your sisters', as if sharing a room and fighting over who borrows what isn't enough; The to-do-list that you have to stop adding to, and start actually getting done. Did I mention all I've done since I got back is post pictures of Thailand on Facebook and play with my new iphone?

But sometimes in the midst of a nauseating routine, you find a glimpse of the good stuff --and what I mean by the good stuff is Sex. Turns out letting your guard down and just doing what you want to do sometimes takes you to better places. Let me explain --my friend Curls meets this guy over Xmas break: she doesn't live here, he doesn't live here, they've got nothing to lose. They find themselves attracted to each other and in that moment she knows all she wants from him is physical. She lets her guard down, doesn't play games, goes for what she wants and what happens? It actually clicks. I mention this because she is the queen of meeting new guys and it not working out. She is almost always looking for something serious, something meaningful, and she's a romantic one --but usually in stead of letting things flow as they should, she is prepared to settle for less. She meets a guy, realizes he fits the checklist, and holds onto him for dear life. Why? Because after years of getting run over by men you develop this phobia (and this is purely my own theory) that you may very well never find what you've always dreamed of and you settle for less. And if there is one thing I hate most in life it has to be just that. I almost fell for this too, not so long ago: met a guy, found him good-looking and charming and sweet and A-Perfect on every item on the list but you know what, at the end of our "date" I was disappointed. There he was: great on paper but no butterflies. Amazingly well-rounded but with nothing "special." No edge. Nothing out of the box. It was a perfectly well wrapped box with a pretty bow on top, and I'm sorry but that's not for me. And it's not for Curls either. Now the second she thought "I've got nothing to lose" suddenly she was herself. She broke down the barriers we put up to be our most attractive self, and put her cards on the table. I know, men like to chase. They don't want all your cards upfront. But it's all in the attitude. I spent all year listening to all kinds of advice from all kinds of people and it got me nowhere, until I met this guy randomly and I decided to have a one night stand --because that is exactly what I wanted-- and it turns out it was a damn good stand to take. It felt liberating to finally act the way I want, with no calculating and no over-thinking, just simply following my own wants and needs. 

So I think I finally may have figured it out. It's not the games and the number of calls and the bitch 101. It's whether you do what you want, or whether you do what you think he wants you to do. Simple as that. And here's the thing about doing what you want: it is so much more fun.

not in my vocabulary

Men are strange. They are able to make decisions sometimes that us girls don't understand, like cut you out of their lives, just like that. Women think and over-think everything. We need to tell the story a hundred different times to a dozen different friends and get everyone's opinion on it to be able to analyze the situation better. We need to give ourselves a reason, to understand what's going on in order to accept it and move on. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of heartache and in the end, we never really know what they were thinking, how the male brain works, why they act the way they do. Mars and Venus. And when you ask a guy for advice, for him to break it down for you, he usually comes up with the simplest answer --something us women never understand.

What do you mean he just decided to stop talking to me? Why didn't he warn me first? Why didn't he say he's just not interested in seeing me anymore? Why didn't he explain? But everything was going fine, he just did this out of the blue! Apparently out-of-the-blue is common in the male brain. They get a tilt, make a decision, and don't go back on it. Simple and clean cut. I wish I was a man.

But I'm not.

A guy friend of mine told me a story today. He was dating this girl, everything was going well, but one day as they were chilling on the beach, she told him something that immediately switched him off. He got up and left. The girl went after him, called him crying begged him to come back so they could talk about it. He said ok. But when he hung up the phone, he made a quick decision. He put his phone on silent and drove home. The next time they spoke was a year later. To him, there were no reasons to justify his behavior. There was nothing to talk about. He made a decision and that was that.

A few days ago, a friend of mine was chatting (whatsapp style) with this guy she's been seeing. He initiated the conversation and they were talking about random things like what they did during the day. And then she asks him if he wants to meet up for a drink --and he stopped answering. She calls him hours later, to see if everything is ok, and he doesn't answer and he doesn't call back. When I told guys about this, no one seemed surprised. It happens, apparently. They've all done it before. It seems they don't believe any justification is needed when they decide things are over, even when that decision is made out of the blue, in the middle of a conversation.

Another girl I know was dating a guy for four years. She traveled for a month,  only to wake up one day and see pictures of him on Facebook with another girl. She goes crazy (obviously) and tries to confront him but he doesn't answer for days. Then he finally calls her back and tells her that he didn't know how to say it before, but he fell in love with someone else and that's that. She just needs to deal with it, he said. And the more I talk about this with guys, the more I realize there is nothing to talk about. As a girl my immediate reaction is to try to understand this behavior, analyze this pattern, figure out this attitude. But there's nothing more to it than a simple switch that turns on and off. I just wish I was a man. But I'm not.