to eat or not to eat

I've been trying to write a post since yesterday, talking to friends about different topics and trying to put together something for this week, but nothing came together. So now I'm sitting here trying to figure out what would inspire me, what I feel like talking about, what is something that I'm going through. And unsurprisingly, the thing that comes to mind is food. You see I didn't have breakfast this morning because I decided to start a diet and I didn't know what I could eat. So I skipped the food and went straight to work [after my usual cup of coffee of course] and here I find myself sitting at my desk where I have two different diet books, and my two [adorable] colleagues who are such experts I don't even need the books. But I always do that --I see the book, think I'm gonna lose 10 kg just by looking at its cover... and then it sits on my desk for years.

Anyway... This morning I put on my favorite pair of jeans --we all have that one pair that we can wear any day of the year and it'll save us from feeling horribly fat. And what do you know: it almost didn't close. Needless to say I didn't even dare get on the scale [because sometimes you just can't face these things]  and I avoid the full length mirror too [why torture myself?].

I came to work determined that today will really be a good dieting day. Not like yesterday where I started off great, almost broke it at 5pm when hunger pangs screamed for chocolate, and then actually did break it at dinner when I had the choice between a healthy salad and a steak-sandwich and I made the obvious choice.

It's one of our daily struggles, I think, as women, to resist temptation --and make an effort to go to the gym. Ah, the gym. We force ourselves to hit the cardio machine 3 times a week for 45 minutes to burn that fat and when I'm there and I'm looking at all the women around me working it on their treadmill or elliptical machines like there's no tomorrow, and I know all they're thinking is: please let me burn that fat so I can stop coming here. Of course once you leave the gym you feel absolutely amazing and you wonder why it was so hard for you to come in the first place --but it's just as hard the next time.

Food is one of the greatest pleasures we have. In a lot of books (yes, I read some of them) they mention how much over-eating is linked to an emotional imbalance. Already, women are known to be emotional. And when they're PMSing, nothing (or almost nothing) can stop them from devouring that box of chocolate. And when they're pregnant --well now that has made for some pretty crazy/funny cravings stories. And in everyday life, there are countless moments where she is overcome by emotions and her easy, quick-fix-feel-good solution is to eat something --and feel dreadfully guilty about it three seconds later. Everything is an excuse: You didn't get that promotion so you eat a Snickers or two. That guy you met last night hasn't called all day so you're gonna empty that bag of chips. Your boyfriend tells you you gained weight and should hit the gym so you throw a fit and then stick your head in the fridge to see what food is gonna make you feel a little better. And then it makes you feel worse.

Today I decided to be healthy and eat wisely and not let my PMS do the eating. And drinks lots of water. And green tea. And check on those other anti-oxidant something that supposedly help flush the fat away. But today is Friday. There's the weekend, and I'm invited for lunch tomorrow and then am I really gonna spend Saturday night without drinking any alcohol? Maybe if I start Monday, it would be better.

it's a wrap!

I can't believe it's that time of the year again.

The lights are shining on every street in the country --it's not just green and red anymore, now it's purple, blue, yellow and pink. The songs are overtaking every FM station I have a hard time listening to on a normal day. We did the tree at home like we do every year, my sister, my brother and me, with the cheesiest Christmas Carols in the background because it's our tradition and it reminds me that even though the years go by, we always find ourselves once a year to do this together. Christmas had different meanings for me in the course of my relatively short life and I am surprised to discover a whole new feeling this year.

When I was a child Christmas was about presents and Santa. For the last ten Christmases, it's been about missing loved ones. But suddenly I feel like I might have grasped a new meaning to what this holiday is about, at least for me.

I feel profoundly lucky. I was just thinking that on Sunday, driving down from Bikfaya where I had a 48hour shoot this weekend. We barely got any sleep, were up on our feet in the freezing cold since 5.30AM and were shooting all day with our heels digging in the mud and our fingers turning blue. Yet this weekend was magical. The energy of people coming together to create something fun, even if it's hard work, and to smile and laugh and freeze while doing it made me realize that the single goal I had set for myself this year, I've actually reached: I found passion.

I smiled as I had that thought, driving down in the fog without my eyeglasses and with smudges on my windshield, feeling completely blinded. I smiled because I realized I am not waiting for anything to happen to me anymore: it's around me, all the time, and I feel it. I wake up in the morning and I can't wait to get started with my day because I have so many things that I want to do and people that I want to see and I know that I am lucky to feel that way. It didn't used to be like that. It used to be: I believe that I will do something fulfilling one day, and in the mean time I was filling the gaps. Now the days and the weeks and the months are all converging in one giant bubble of time. I don't stop and do nothing anymore, and when I do, I actually appreciate every second of nothingness, making it a special activity in and of itself.  I've learned how to appreciate time.

When I was younger, 10 or 11, I didn't really have friends to hang out with in school. I was bit shy, I didn't know how to impose myself, so I would hide out in the school library during recess, always finding comfort in my books. Then things changed, and I met the group of people I have been friends with ever since. I've always felt lucky to have them, and I thought I didn't really need other friends. I never really made an effort being social --who needs a million acquaintances anyway? Turns out I was wrong to be so closed-up to people for so many years. This year, I met new people every week, made a dozen of new friends, each of them unique in his own way and all of them important. And I've learned that everyone I meet can bring something good to my life.

And as family goes, I've never felt closer to them. It's true, we've had another loss this year, this month actually. But Saturday morning, as my aunt enters her third week as a widow, she will still get up and make "Shorbet el Eid," stuff the turkey and set-up the table. The Christmas tree will still be lit and the presents will still come, and the magic of Christmas will have to find us despite the sadness. This is what this holiday is about for me now: last year, I had a thought for all those who passed. All those who are gone and are around us in the form of memories and pictures --and I can't believe that another face is now behind a glass frame. But this year, I'm having a thought for the living. Spending our energy on ourselves and on our loved ones who are right here in front of us, because that is the way to go on, stay strong, and make those above us proud.

So here's a Xmas thought, for the living: Go do a random act of kindness. Be spontaneous, do something big, something small, to someone you know or a perfect stranger.

not in my vocabulary

Men are strange. They are able to make decisions sometimes that us girls don't understand, like cut you out of their lives, just like that. Women think and over-think everything. We need to tell the story a hundred different times to a dozen different friends and get everyone's opinion on it to be able to analyze the situation better. We need to give ourselves a reason, to understand what's going on in order to accept it and move on. It takes a lot of energy and a lot of heartache and in the end, we never really know what they were thinking, how the male brain works, why they act the way they do. Mars and Venus. And when you ask a guy for advice, for him to break it down for you, he usually comes up with the simplest answer --something us women never understand.

What do you mean he just decided to stop talking to me? Why didn't he warn me first? Why didn't he say he's just not interested in seeing me anymore? Why didn't he explain? But everything was going fine, he just did this out of the blue! Apparently out-of-the-blue is common in the male brain. They get a tilt, make a decision, and don't go back on it. Simple and clean cut. I wish I was a man.

But I'm not.

A guy friend of mine told me a story today. He was dating this girl, everything was going well, but one day as they were chilling on the beach, she told him something that immediately switched him off. He got up and left. The girl went after him, called him crying begged him to come back so they could talk about it. He said ok. But when he hung up the phone, he made a quick decision. He put his phone on silent and drove home. The next time they spoke was a year later. To him, there were no reasons to justify his behavior. There was nothing to talk about. He made a decision and that was that.

A few days ago, a friend of mine was chatting (whatsapp style) with this guy she's been seeing. He initiated the conversation and they were talking about random things like what they did during the day. And then she asks him if he wants to meet up for a drink --and he stopped answering. She calls him hours later, to see if everything is ok, and he doesn't answer and he doesn't call back. When I told guys about this, no one seemed surprised. It happens, apparently. They've all done it before. It seems they don't believe any justification is needed when they decide things are over, even when that decision is made out of the blue, in the middle of a conversation.

Another girl I know was dating a guy for four years. She traveled for a month,  only to wake up one day and see pictures of him on Facebook with another girl. She goes crazy (obviously) and tries to confront him but he doesn't answer for days. Then he finally calls her back and tells her that he didn't know how to say it before, but he fell in love with someone else and that's that. She just needs to deal with it, he said. And the more I talk about this with guys, the more I realize there is nothing to talk about. As a girl my immediate reaction is to try to understand this behavior, analyze this pattern, figure out this attitude. But there's nothing more to it than a simple switch that turns on and off. I just wish I was a man. But I'm not.