Rhapsodian guest blogger: Out of the Rathole

 For the first time on Beirut Rhapsodies, my guest blogger is a fellow Rhapsodian. Now let me put her in context for you: she's my one friend of whom I can truly say, without hesitating, is super happy in love right now. Which is why I think her advice is worthwhile. I mean, she's had her share of tears: she has cried more than anyone else I know over guys so she didn't always have it right... but she's on the other side of spectrum right now, and I thought it would be good for us to get a different perspective. 

The last couple of blogs have made me realize that my favorite Rhapsodian needs a helping hand…She has given up on love and I cannot bear seeing  this happening! So I’ve decided to share my 2-cents with her, and with all the girls out there who mumble, not too loud (so that it doesn’t come true!), but once too often, those absolutely atrocious and silly words: “’I’m gonna die alone”.

By no means am I claiming to be wise enough to become a love doctor, nor am I a Vietnam veteran to claim years of experience, but I did have enough bad experiences with a wide spectrum of rats to be able to tell from a distance if one is a plague- carrier or a pure-breed worth taming. Here is a sample of bad experiences that I’m sure are as cliché as it gets but enriching nonetheless:

So there was the first love, that endless relationship I wonder how it ever lasted so long. He was my college sweetheart. He was anything you would want in a guy when you’re 17…but after 5 years, all I wanted was freedom.  The stars must have misunderstood what I meant by freedom, because what I cashed-in instead was an egocentric brat who occasionally cheated and frequently lied and who owned the only phone ever created (I guess it was a prototype) that vanishes  and reappears at the owner’s convenience, meaning he could not always answer my texts and could never call me back.  The phone was designed in such a way that one could only text back should one need a booty call. Of course I was crazy about him because when he wasn’t busy touching his Blackberry or other girls, he would tell me the most wonderful words  that I would foolishly believe. One day he told me it was over by using the infamous “it’s not you it’s me” line, and he hurt me so much that my tears could have filled the Atlantic, back and forth 8 times… Then there was the guy whom I was never good enough for, and who destroyed what was left of my ego: “you’ve put on 300g, I’ve noticed them around your elbow”. Then came the possessive-obsessive-paranoid guy who was jealous of his own shadow…and a few other mice here and there (yes, not even qualified to be called rats) but I won’t dwell more on them…

And then the revelation. The decision. Yes this wonderful resolution we all take after a nauseous succession of plague-carrying rats: NO MORE BOYS I AM GOING TO FOCUS ON ME.

And so I did. Of course I cried sometimes, I missed the attention and the drama that came along with the boyfriends. But I used that time to finally get to know myself. I read more, I spent more time with the girls, reconnected with old friends, did Yoga, ran a marathon, worked harder, bought cooking books, started loving those extra 300g around my elbow, and slowly but surely regained my self confidence. I was finally happy.

 And one day, when I expected it the least, the most amazing charming loving kind funny cultured gentle, did I mention amazing… man came out from a hidden rathole and straight into my heart, and I hope to stay forever.  Today, when I ask myself what good wind brought him my way, I realize there were just a few things that I unconsciously had changed in my behavior that made me more attractive to that better breed of rats. So here are my 2-cents, or 8:

1)     Stop looking: a girl who is constantly hunting is a turn-off. Genuinely enjoy your single self, and one day, when you’re in your sweat pants with the almighty pimple on your left cheek,  thinking you’re looking your worst but actually looking your absolute best natural self,   he will find you.

2)    Know yourself: know what makes you happy and what you will never compromise on, and let no one stop you from getting it: If you need your yoga or your cooking or your time with the girls, make sure you get it.

3)    Know your flaws and make him love you for them: If you are the type that has 5-minute- a-month PMS bitchiness (give or take a few minutes) he should be manly enough to accept it and to love you for it. You’re never going to change, so find a man mature enough to love you “for better or for worse”.

4)    If they want, they can: so if they don’t…they don’t want. Simple equation. Read it 5 times and make it your new 1+1=2. If he wants to be with you, the things he would be willing to do for you would surprise you. So unless you see that type of behavior, don’t waste your time…

5)    Do no settle for less: and that means settle only for MORE. More attention, more care more respect. You were dad’s little princess remember? Now you have to be Rat’s little princess. Let him treat you the way you would treat him, and better, or nothing.

6)    Don’t be a nag: the weeping willow only goes one way: down. When you think nothing could go worse in your life, just switch on the news and put things in perspective. Be grateful for what you have, and someone will be grateful to have you.

7)    Forget the games: when the right guy comes along, you won’t need those “don’t text him back before 109 minutes” rules. If he wants to play, give him an X-box and bid him farewell and tell your little brother you have a pal to spare.

8)    Last but not least: Believe in yourself. You will NOT die alone. Keep this in mind: if Sarah Palin found someone to marry her once, so will you…

to know or not to know?

I had a debate with a couple of Rats yesterday which I thought I'd share here. I'll pass on how many times I begged for the conversation to change from "does masturbating before sleeping wake you up or help you sleep" and dive right into the slightly more interesting part.
The issue was whether or not we would rather know if our ex is seen with someone else, has someone else in their life, etc... It's actually an interesting question because I've seen many different schools of thought on the topic. Now my friend the Masochist immediately said he wants to know everything, all the grim little details, and he wants to hurt as much as he is supposed to. Why? Because he believes you can't get over someone unless you hit rock bottom. He would rather get rid of every possible bad feeling, so that there are no more surprises later on. I thought he had a point --if you like to make yourself suffer, which obviously, as his name indicates, he does.
Some think that finding out your ex is with someone else will make them realize whether or not they want them back. I had a friend who broke up with his girlfriend, was moving on and living his life just fine, until one day he found out that she's dating some dude. He went crazy. He literarily couldn't stop thinking about her anymore, decided he was ready to do anything to get her back, felt like he was willing to sacrifice all the things he never even thought of before. And it lasted about a month, until she was willing to give it another go and he suddenly didn't want to anymore --again. What happened? He didn't realize that the whole can't-sleep-can't-eat process he went through was just an ego-bruise. And this tends to happen when you're the one who leaves your partner, believing they love you more than anything, and turn around to see them moving on with someone else. It's not your heart that hurts at that moment --it's that arrogant ego of ours that just cannot believe she could move on from the Extraordinary Moi. But in the heat of the moment, it's confusing, it makes us act irrational, and usually makes us do something we end up regretting --like hurting the other person again and again.
Now I'm from the school of thought that says "what you don't know can't hurt you." It may seem weak and cowardly, but honestly, I don't want to be hurt --so I don't want to know. Caporal said he agreed with me, but we usually end up knowing sooner or later, so we might as well take the hit. I disagree. I would rather know later, when I'm a lot more emotionally stable to handle it. Some of us think we can avoid getting hurt by never dealing with it. Others believe taking the blow and feeling the pain will make it go once and for all. I guess it all depends on who we are.

"ma tete, mon coeur, et mes couilles"

Boys and girls alike were in agreement with the theory of my last blog post: know with your head, and with your heart.
But there was an interesting point made by one of my Rat friends, The Tenor, who reminded me that for men, there is one more element to consider: the penis. Actually, to be completely accurate, he said "the dick is always the winner, because if there was no dick, there would be no motivation." Now let's agree that there are exceptions to this rule... but consider the ramifications. While women have to maintain balance between their head and their heart, men have debates between their head, heart, and balls.
Actually, a French Artist known as "Grand Corps Malade" has a song called "ma tete, mon coeur et mes couilles (my head, my heart and my balls)" about this very phenomenon.
So I though I'd take a closer look. It seems to me, that unlike women, men find that it is easiest to control their hearts. Their heads and their balls however, now that's another story.
I for one, am already in over my head trying to rationalize my emotions. But men have compartments for their feelings. They can put things in boxes and label them, only opening them when they choose to. The rest of the time, they use their heads, they rationalize, and they can deal with pretty much anything that way. But when their balls get in the way... then neither their heads nor their hearts make a difference --unless they have tremendous willpower. I guess this is why men say they can cheat on you and still love you: their penis and their hearts don't have to be in agreement.
So I guess in order to be in complete sync with a man, you have to be in sync with his head, his heart, and most importantly, his balls. Piece of cake.

Cheat-Sheet (part two): the open relationship

By definition, the open relationship defies all odds. To me, "relationship" means closed. Two people, a couple, man and women, man and man or woman and woman. But here comes the 21st century and everyone is trying to figure how the hell to keep that relationship working, defying the odds, being the ones who make it through and finally grow old together. That's what we all say right, "I want to have a family and a spouse, because who the hell wants to grow old alone."
I agree, I don't want to grow old alone, there's nothing scarier. But what about the now? We can't all design the 30 to 40 years we have on when we turn eighty --if that day even comes. So how about not basing a relationship with the goal of growing old, and live in the present. Because if you take out the future in the equation, a lot of things might change.
Now the open relationship is quiet the fascinating concept. A couple decides to officially accept that the other person can and will sleep with others. They usually have rules like "always use condoms" and "don't ever introduce us." They go about their day, come home at night and kiss each other, always expecting that just a few hours earlier someone else was kissing them. Officially, what this couple is doing is accepting that humans cannot be monogamous, and try to take sex out of the love equation. They try to minimize its power, all the while admitting that sex is so important that they must agree to have it with other people. The open relationship is a way to avoid deceit, a way to avoid feeling cheated and betrayed. But does it really work, forever? What if one person is always hopping around from one sexual partner to another, while the other is just pretending to do the same? Day in and day out, do they really love each other more or better because they're able to have sex to their heart's content?
But like my friend Caporal says, there's the "official" open-relationship, and the "unofficial" one. When I said, in my previous post, that I could theoretically accept my boyfriend having sex with someone else as long as it is a one-night-stand and I nor anyone else ever finds out about it, it could be considered as an "unofficial" open relationship. I'll admit, I have no idea which one is better, more respectful, which one actually works in the long run. Maybe we're all fooling ourselves. Maybe none of this works --they're just tools to prolong the inevitable.
But to me, it's all in what we know. I really believe that Ignorance is bliss.

Cheat-Sheet: were we meant to be monogamous? (part one)

Monogamy. The question that is the key to ninety-five percent of relationships has actually been here for centuries: can we really, truly be monogamous? Were we meant to?
In Ancient Rome, wives used to send slaves in for their husbands to have sex with --they would only be offended if their husbands had sex with women of their own rank. At the time of Alexander the Great, men slept with other men, other women, had orgies --nothing was considered too much. And in Tudor England (16th Century), King Henry had mistresses and bastard children right left and center.
Today, we're a lot more taboo, conservative, and monogamous. I could never imagine myself sending my husband a prostitute just because I don't feel like having sex right now. Imagine that!
But the way sexuality used to be does give us a moment of reflection here. Maybe they had it right and we have it wrong. Not that I want my man to sleep with hundreds of women and come back to me at night... But maybe, if we all accepted that the concept of monogamy cannot exist realistically, then we'd all suffer a lot less.
What's funny though, is that I never really heard of women sleeping around with hundreds of men and it being okay with the husbands...
Nowadays, people try all kinds of modern relationships to try and curb monogamy, and "make it" as a couple. Open relationships, swingers, threesomes, and I'm sure a dozen other ways I've never even heard of. And it might work out for some of them. But I believe most of us women aren't wired to be "just fine" with having the person we love being with other women. And I definitely don't think men would be "just fine" with their wives sleeping around. 

When I was 13 years-old, my mother told me something that really shocked me. She said her friends wondered how she could live with my father traveling for such long periods of time --wasn't she afraid he was cheating? She said, as long as she didn't feel like he was any different with her, then she wouldn't go looking for the problem. In other words, what she doesn't know can't hurt her.
I didn't get it then, but I get it now.
At the time, I remember thinking "is she crazy?" My mom was a very strong, independent and rational person, so I couldn't fathom how she could possibly accept the possibility of being cheated on. But now I know.
The reality is, boys will be boys. And it might be cliche as hell, but it's also true, and we're all better off being realistic about our expectations from the beginning. 
In my book, if he plays by my rules, I can handle it. But there are rules, even when cheating.
My top priority is respect. If my man cheats on me, I don't want to know. For the very simple reason that even if I will want to forgive, I will never forget. The image of him cheating will keep replaying in my mind, over and over again, and it will never be the same. And I don't want anyone else to know either. Because if his friends know, they will loose all respect for me, and forever look at me with a smirk, or worse, pity. And if the girl in question knows me or anyone I know, she will feel above me. Like she shares a secret with my own boyfriend. And that is just more disgusting to me than any sexual act.  I actually don't know how women who were publicly humiliated by their husbands can actually move passed it and forgive. Hillary, Sienna, I really don't get you. I'm more likely to be in the Elin Woods, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston camp. But I wonder what would've happened if these couples weren't famous, and their love lives were kept private. If the whole world knows your man cheated on you, that's the kind of the disrespect you can't forget --that being the understatement of the century.
But I do believe a man can love you and still cheat. But if he does love you, he will not want anyone to feel above you in any way. That kind of cheating obviously excludes anything more than a one-night-stand. If my man is in-love or has an actual relationship with someone else, then yes, I want to know and I want to get out PRONTO.