I have been repeatedly accused of being a nice girl.
You would think that it's a good thing, to be considered nice, but of course it's not. It's like the worst thing you can be called. Like when you ask about someone and the answer is "she's nice", you know there's not that much else to say.
Except that I know for a fact that there is more to me than the whole nice girl aura. But as soon as there is too much niceness, people wont see much else anymore. I've studied the freakin' rule book by heart: men love the chase, yes, it's been written countless times and proven and said by so many men and women that I've lost track. God forbid you should ever let your guard down and not challenge a man for ten minutes.
In long term relationships, it translates as the girlfriend who is too convenient, too caring, too available. A man can love you, worship you, want to spend the rest of his life with you and suddenly, because you're having a bad time and you are unable to hold up the whole "I'm a mysterious woman who can leave you at any second" role, he can just let you go because --well, it's just not exciting anymore. I'm guilty as charged, I'll admit it. I have a hard time following the bitch-persona because it's just not who I am. I've tried and failed. And then I think about all these successful relationships around me and wonder, do all these women have an ability which I obviously lack, or do I just date men who require an unreasonable level of "challenge"?
In the dating world, the nice girl appears as the girl who is too agreeable, too "into him", and again, too available. A man can find you hot, smart, interesting, yet you can turn him off just by sending one too many messages that just make him feel too comfortable about having you right where he wants you. How boring.
Now while a man is having this permanent need to be challenged, the woman is supposed to satiate his needs by being perfect: the perfect amount of presence and the perfect amount of indifference; the perfect amount of sexiness and the perfect amount of working-woman; the perfect amount of nights out with friends versus the perfect amount of nights spent together. We should just all write down the list and stick it on our refrigerators, pencil in the perfect amount depending on the guy we're dating and refreshing it every month as the relationship evolves. You know, just to be sure we're not missing anything.
Maybe I've got this all wrong --I wouldn't be surprised. After all, I have been dumped countless times for the same reason (yes, too nice is a reason for men to break up with you) and so I'm obviously not very good at learning from my mistakes. Unless of course, I switch perspectives. What if I'm a nice girl --with myself?
I grew up in a house where taking care of others was a pre-requisite. And it somehow settled in my DNA. When my mother died I was 16 years old --but my sister was 11, and my brother was 7. I've read somewhere that people who grow up taking care of others develop this thing called "the need to be needed." I catch myself doing it sometimes, with my friends, with my siblings who are adults now and can take care of themselves, and of course, with men in my life. And the constant advice I receive, is that if I was just as "nice" to myself as I am to others, then maybe I can finally beat this thing.
So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to make a list of things I'd like to do for myself before the year ends, and will document it, here on Beirut Rhapsodies. And we'll see how well that works out.
Showing posts with label bitches. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bitches. Show all posts
Thursday, November 14
Monday, October 17
Rhapsodian guest blogger: Out of the Rathole
The last couple of blogs have made me
realize that my favorite Rhapsodian needs a helping hand…She has given up on
love and I cannot bear seeing this happening! So I’ve decided to share my
2-cents with her, and with all the girls out there who mumble, not too loud (so
that it doesn’t come true!), but once too often, those absolutely atrocious and
silly words: “’I’m gonna die alone”.
By no means am I claiming to be wise enough
to become a love doctor, nor am I a Vietnam veteran to claim years of
experience, but I did have enough bad experiences with a wide spectrum of rats
to be able to tell from a distance if one is a plague- carrier or a pure-breed
worth taming. Here is a sample of bad experiences that I’m sure are as cliché
as it gets but enriching nonetheless:
So there was the first love, that endless
relationship I wonder how it ever lasted so long. He was my college sweetheart.
He was anything you would want in a guy when you’re 17…but after 5 years, all I
wanted was freedom. The stars must have misunderstood what I meant by
freedom, because what I cashed-in instead was an egocentric brat who
occasionally cheated and frequently lied and who owned the only phone ever
created (I guess it was a prototype) that vanishes and reappears at the
owner’s convenience, meaning he could not always answer my texts and could
never call me back. The phone was designed in such a way that one could
only text back should one need a booty call. Of course I was crazy about him
because when he wasn’t busy touching his Blackberry or other girls, he would
tell me the most wonderful words that I would foolishly believe. One day
he told me it was over by using the infamous “it’s not you it’s me” line, and
he hurt me so much that my tears could have filled the Atlantic, back and forth
8 times… Then there was the guy whom I was never good enough for, and who
destroyed what was left of my ego: “you’ve put on 300g, I’ve noticed them
around your elbow”. Then came the possessive-obsessive-paranoid guy who was
jealous of his own shadow…and a few other mice here and there (yes, not even
qualified to be called rats) but I won’t dwell more on them…
And then the revelation. The decision. Yes
this wonderful resolution we all take after a nauseous succession of
plague-carrying rats: NO MORE BOYS I AM GOING TO FOCUS ON ME.
And so I did. Of course I cried sometimes,
I missed the attention and the drama that came along with the boyfriends. But I
used that time to finally get to know myself. I read more, I spent more time
with the girls, reconnected with old friends, did Yoga, ran a marathon, worked
harder, bought cooking books, started loving those extra 300g around my elbow,
and slowly but surely regained my self confidence. I was finally happy.
And one day, when I expected it the
least, the most amazing charming loving kind funny cultured gentle, did I
mention amazing… man came out from a hidden rathole and straight into my heart,
and I hope to stay forever. Today, when I ask myself what good wind
brought him my way, I realize there were just a few things that I unconsciously
had changed in my behavior that made me more attractive to that better breed of
rats. So here are my 2-cents, or 8:
1) Stop
looking: a girl who is constantly hunting is a turn-off. Genuinely enjoy your
single self, and one day, when you’re in your sweat pants with the almighty
pimple on your left cheek, thinking you’re looking your worst but
actually looking your absolute best natural self, he will find you.
2) Know yourself:
know what makes you happy and what you will never compromise on, and let no one
stop you from getting it: If you need your yoga or your cooking or your time
with the girls, make sure you get it.
3) Know your flaws
and make him love you for them: If you are the type that has 5-minute- a-month
PMS bitchiness (give or take a few minutes) he should be manly enough to accept
it and to love you for it. You’re never going to change, so find a man mature
enough to love you “for better or for worse”.
4) If they want,
they can: so if they don’t…they don’t want. Simple equation. Read it 5 times
and make it your new 1+1=2. If he wants to be with you, the things he would be
willing to do for you would surprise you. So unless you see that type of
behavior, don’t waste your time…
5) Do no settle for
less: and that means settle only for MORE. More attention, more care more
respect. You were dad’s little princess remember? Now you have to be Rat’s
little princess. Let him treat you the way you would treat him, and better, or
nothing.
6) Don’t be a nag:
the weeping willow only goes one way: down. When you think nothing could go
worse in your life, just switch on the news and put things in perspective. Be
grateful for what you have, and someone will be grateful to have you.
7) Forget the games: when
the right guy comes along, you won’t need those “don’t text him back before 109
minutes” rules. If he wants to play, give him an X-box and bid him farewell and
tell your little brother you have a pal to spare.
8) Last but not
least: Believe in yourself. You will NOT die alone. Keep this in mind: if
Sarah Palin found someone to marry her once, so will you…
Thursday, October 21
to bitch or not to bitch
Men love Bitches. It's a known fact that resulted in countless books, blogs, tv-shows and movies, all giving us prime examples as to why men love bitches, and how women can learn to be bitches.
The truth is, I think it's completely true and makes perfect sense. Men love the chase, they are hunters, and they just want what they can't have (or think they can't have). And I know this because countless men, including some of the Rats whom you all know a little by now, have admitted this to me. When you meet a guy, you never want to be as easy as 123. You want to make him sweat it out, make him think you're not interested. Later, when you're in the relationship, you never want your man to know he has you right where he wants you, or take you for granted. He'll think of you as he does his mother --and THAT you really don't want. So always keep that little mystery, always keep him at an arms length, don't bend forwards and backwards to please him, etc., etc., etc...
Sounds like a pretty straightforward plan. But the truth is, if it doesn't come naturally to you (to be a bit of a bitch) then it's just exhausting. From the second you meet a guy until forever, you have to remember not to let go. Which is, if you can do it, actually a good thing, because that way you always retain your sense of self, independence and a life that doesn't necessarily include him.
One of my friends got hooked on a girl simply because she showed a little interest --and then none. For months he pursued her, no matter how many times she feigned indifference. My friend Camel on the other hand was really into this girl for a few weeks --but then she started calling too much, being too available, and suddenly the chemistry vanished for him. She couldn't understand what went wrong: he seemed so into her. And she continued to pursue him for months, which obviously drove him away even further. I can go on and on about a zillion examples of the sort. And you might thing it's an age thing, but it's not. My uncle, who's almost 60 and is known as the Legend with guys from my generation, told me a story the other day that made me want to pull my hair out: he took this girl out for a drink at Capitol, and on the way up they met with two of her guy friends. While he stopped at a table to say hello to some friends, his girl was off to the bar with the two guys. "I wasn't going to let her lead me on with any games," he told me. "She came in with me, she should stay with me. But since she wanted to play, I dove right in." Indeed he did. He went off and had another woman (a much younger friend) join the others at the bar. And when they were about to go to another club, he took them both. Oh, and as if that isn't enough, he calls her the next day and asked what she was doing. She said "nothing." How did he interpret that? "When she says nothing, that means she's just sitting there, waiting for me to call her. Well, I'm never calling her again." And that's that. A 60-year-old, attractive, fun, social man, and he still gets to play the field. He's is the incarnation of all male instincts put together, and look at how fast he dismissed her. Because she said she was doing "nothing."
And if you think that type of behavior develops only after decades of experience, you're wrong. My 17 year-old brother is not any better. He's a good looking boy and he knows it. Girls are throwing themselves on him left right and center, and he takes advantage of it. But the only time he's interested, is when the girl seems not to be. And although they usually hold the fort for about a minute, as soon as he gets her, has her, and feels like the chase is over, he comes and tells me "I want to leave her. I don't know what happened I was so into her. Now I'm just... not."
So... I don't know whether to tell you to bitch or not to bitch. I don't want to tell you anything actually, I think we all try whatever works for us. But I do think we spend way too much time analyzing what men want, what men need, what keeps a man from cheating, blablabla... But when we get the simple, straightforward answer of just be a bitch, we don't try it. We say just "want to be ourselves" and we're just too caring and it's just our personality, and we like open up and give him our all... well, don't give him your all until he gives you his all, and be yourself... just be your bitchy self.
The truth is, I think it's completely true and makes perfect sense. Men love the chase, they are hunters, and they just want what they can't have (or think they can't have). And I know this because countless men, including some of the Rats whom you all know a little by now, have admitted this to me. When you meet a guy, you never want to be as easy as 123. You want to make him sweat it out, make him think you're not interested. Later, when you're in the relationship, you never want your man to know he has you right where he wants you, or take you for granted. He'll think of you as he does his mother --and THAT you really don't want. So always keep that little mystery, always keep him at an arms length, don't bend forwards and backwards to please him, etc., etc., etc...
Sounds like a pretty straightforward plan. But the truth is, if it doesn't come naturally to you (to be a bit of a bitch) then it's just exhausting. From the second you meet a guy until forever, you have to remember not to let go. Which is, if you can do it, actually a good thing, because that way you always retain your sense of self, independence and a life that doesn't necessarily include him.
One of my friends got hooked on a girl simply because she showed a little interest --and then none. For months he pursued her, no matter how many times she feigned indifference. My friend Camel on the other hand was really into this girl for a few weeks --but then she started calling too much, being too available, and suddenly the chemistry vanished for him. She couldn't understand what went wrong: he seemed so into her. And she continued to pursue him for months, which obviously drove him away even further. I can go on and on about a zillion examples of the sort. And you might thing it's an age thing, but it's not. My uncle, who's almost 60 and is known as the Legend with guys from my generation, told me a story the other day that made me want to pull my hair out: he took this girl out for a drink at Capitol, and on the way up they met with two of her guy friends. While he stopped at a table to say hello to some friends, his girl was off to the bar with the two guys. "I wasn't going to let her lead me on with any games," he told me. "She came in with me, she should stay with me. But since she wanted to play, I dove right in." Indeed he did. He went off and had another woman (a much younger friend) join the others at the bar. And when they were about to go to another club, he took them both. Oh, and as if that isn't enough, he calls her the next day and asked what she was doing. She said "nothing." How did he interpret that? "When she says nothing, that means she's just sitting there, waiting for me to call her. Well, I'm never calling her again." And that's that. A 60-year-old, attractive, fun, social man, and he still gets to play the field. He's is the incarnation of all male instincts put together, and look at how fast he dismissed her. Because she said she was doing "nothing."
And if you think that type of behavior develops only after decades of experience, you're wrong. My 17 year-old brother is not any better. He's a good looking boy and he knows it. Girls are throwing themselves on him left right and center, and he takes advantage of it. But the only time he's interested, is when the girl seems not to be. And although they usually hold the fort for about a minute, as soon as he gets her, has her, and feels like the chase is over, he comes and tells me "I want to leave her. I don't know what happened I was so into her. Now I'm just... not."
So... I don't know whether to tell you to bitch or not to bitch. I don't want to tell you anything actually, I think we all try whatever works for us. But I do think we spend way too much time analyzing what men want, what men need, what keeps a man from cheating, blablabla... But when we get the simple, straightforward answer of just be a bitch, we don't try it. We say just "want to be ourselves" and we're just too caring and it's just our personality, and we like open up and give him our all... well, don't give him your all until he gives you his all, and be yourself... just be your bitchy self.
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