There's something I've been learning to do this year that's changed the way I am in a relationship, and that is: say what I mean.
It might seem odd for a man to read that. Say what you mean? You mean you lie in a relationship?
No. I don't lie. But us women, we have this tendency to not say what mean. We think we're saying it (with our tone, with our body language, with our eyes, etc.) but men tend to just hear the words coming out of our mouth.
Let's take this for example:
Thursday Night, 8pm.
Guy "You know what, I don't feel like going. Just go without me."
Girl "Oh. Ok. [Pause] Fine." Loud expiration through the nose.
Guy "Are you upset?"
Girl "No. [Yes] Why would I be upset? [Of course I'm upset you idiot. You just ditched me last minute and now I have to go alone and everyone is going to ask me where you are and I would really enjoy it a lot more if you come with me and why the hell can't you make an effort for me, I would go if it was the other way around.]
Guy "Great then. Have fun!"
They hang up the phone. Now here's what happens: Guy thinks Girl is perfectly fine* with him not going [more on that later], orders a burger, watches Lord of the Rings or a Football match, and doesn't think about it twice. Girl, on the other hand, gets dressed and goes out, all the while starting to simmer negative thoughts [I can't believe he just ditched me to stay home and watch Basketball, he never wants to spend time with me, I always have to beg him to come out, why is football more important than me...] She's out, trying to have a good time but ends up complaining about Guy who didn't come, checks her phone every ten minutes expecting an apology message, gets even more furious because she doesn't get one. By the end of the night, she's so angry she calls him throwing a million accusations his way and he doesn't know what hit him. They fight, go to bed angry, and no one really knows why.
Now, here's the truth*: Guy probably (I'm giving some the benefit of the doubt, depending on the situation) knows that Girl is upset for him not accompanying her. he could hear it in her tone, but chooses to ignore it because, hey, she said she was fine. If she was upset she should've just said so. Here's a hint Girls: Just say so. He wont have an excuse for not knowing you're upset if you say you're upset. Guys always say they "can't read out minds." Fine. Tell them what you're thinking then!
Here's how the conversation could have gone:
Guy "You know what, I don't feel like going. Just go without me."
Girl "Oh. Ok. [Pause] Fine." Loud expiration through the nose.
Guy "Are you upset?"
Girl "Yes. Why is staying at home more important than coming out with me?"
Guy "Sorry babe, I just really don't feel like going out tonight. I'm tired and all I want to do is sit back and watch TV. If you finish early, come over and join me on the couch."
Girl "Fine. Though I'm really not happy to be going alone."
Guy "I'll make it up to you. Promise."
Girl smiles even though she doesn't want to. Guy hears it. She goes, has fun, doesn't obsess about why Guy didn't come and maybe ends up joining him later for a little cuddling.
Basically overall a much better situation.
Sometimes we think we're avoiding a fight by not saying what we mean, but the truth is we're just putting it off until we explode and he doesn't get it. Even if you do get into a fight, it will be much easier to resolve on the spot and just move on.
Moral of this story: Women, speak your mind.
It might seem odd for a man to read that. Say what you mean? You mean you lie in a relationship?
No. I don't lie. But us women, we have this tendency to not say what mean. We think we're saying it (with our tone, with our body language, with our eyes, etc.) but men tend to just hear the words coming out of our mouth.
Let's take this for example:
Thursday Night, 8pm.
Guy "You know what, I don't feel like going. Just go without me."
Girl "Oh. Ok. [Pause] Fine." Loud expiration through the nose.
Guy "Are you upset?"
Girl "No. [Yes] Why would I be upset? [Of course I'm upset you idiot. You just ditched me last minute and now I have to go alone and everyone is going to ask me where you are and I would really enjoy it a lot more if you come with me and why the hell can't you make an effort for me, I would go if it was the other way around.]
Guy "Great then. Have fun!"
They hang up the phone. Now here's what happens: Guy thinks Girl is perfectly fine* with him not going [more on that later], orders a burger, watches Lord of the Rings or a Football match, and doesn't think about it twice. Girl, on the other hand, gets dressed and goes out, all the while starting to simmer negative thoughts [I can't believe he just ditched me to stay home and watch Basketball, he never wants to spend time with me, I always have to beg him to come out, why is football more important than me...] She's out, trying to have a good time but ends up complaining about Guy who didn't come, checks her phone every ten minutes expecting an apology message, gets even more furious because she doesn't get one. By the end of the night, she's so angry she calls him throwing a million accusations his way and he doesn't know what hit him. They fight, go to bed angry, and no one really knows why.
Now, here's the truth*: Guy probably (I'm giving some the benefit of the doubt, depending on the situation) knows that Girl is upset for him not accompanying her. he could hear it in her tone, but chooses to ignore it because, hey, she said she was fine. If she was upset she should've just said so. Here's a hint Girls: Just say so. He wont have an excuse for not knowing you're upset if you say you're upset. Guys always say they "can't read out minds." Fine. Tell them what you're thinking then!
Here's how the conversation could have gone:
Guy "You know what, I don't feel like going. Just go without me."
Girl "Oh. Ok. [Pause] Fine." Loud expiration through the nose.
Guy "Are you upset?"
Girl "Yes. Why is staying at home more important than coming out with me?"
Guy "Sorry babe, I just really don't feel like going out tonight. I'm tired and all I want to do is sit back and watch TV. If you finish early, come over and join me on the couch."
Girl "Fine. Though I'm really not happy to be going alone."
Guy "I'll make it up to you. Promise."
Girl smiles even though she doesn't want to. Guy hears it. She goes, has fun, doesn't obsess about why Guy didn't come and maybe ends up joining him later for a little cuddling.
Basically overall a much better situation.
Sometimes we think we're avoiding a fight by not saying what we mean, but the truth is we're just putting it off until we explode and he doesn't get it. Even if you do get into a fight, it will be much easier to resolve on the spot and just move on.
Moral of this story: Women, speak your mind.
Agreed!
ReplyDeleteMy friend was telling me how she wasn't feeling good the other day, but told her boyfriend she needs time alone and he should go have fun (What she really meant was for him to stay)... He did was she said though and they ended up having a huge argument.
Exactly! I do that all the time...
ReplyDeleteBeRhapsody: I love it! Every word, it's so true that it touch me in a really deep way. See, I have been having trouble with one of my friends because she's often jealous or angry with me without saying anything. And of course I realiza I'm doing something wrong, but I just don't know what. I ask her and shejust smiles and says "nothing's worng, Penny"
DeleteWtf? Why are you so upset, then?
I don't want to push her, so I stop asking, and tell her if I am doing something, please tell me what it is. I'm not a genious, specially when you are so good hiding feelings. So... I kind of feel like a man naw that I've read tour post xD
Ok, too much of myself,but I wanted to ask you something: if she has a blog where she writes all of her feelings, and I am very conscious of that blog but didn't ever tell her about that.. and we are... so kind of teared appart or wherever (my english sucks, I know it =S)And I keep telling her to speak her mind and tell me wherever is wrong or she's upset about, and promessing I won't be mad or anything... and she jus keep it all for herself, should I stop pushing her?
I want everything to be soft between us, as easy as breath, as it used to be. But I just don't know what else to do. I mean, she didn't even think of me as a friend!
Ok, I'm really embarassed about my little out burst, I would like to know your opinion anyway.
Kisses from argentina!!