note to self

You're feeling sorry for yourself again. Don't. If you feel sorry for yourself then people will feel sorry for you and you hate that, remember? You want people to admire you, not look at you like you're something broken. Stop thinking everyone sees you as a failure. They don't. And if they do, it's because you feel like a failure. But you aren't. You've done everything you've ever set out to achieve and that counts for something. Maybe for a lot. So don't be so dramatic. Stop looking around and comparing yourself to every single one of your friends and wonder how it is that you are the only one who can't get a relationship to stick, or a guy to fall in love with. I know what you're thinking: They're prettier. Thinner. They dress better. Maybe they're smarter or funnier or just luckier. I guess you don't have the best of luck. Don't cry. We've been through this. Lots of women are single at 30, it doesn't mean they wont get married or have kids, eventually. Remember what they told you. He'll come into your life when you least expect it. Or when the time is right. You won't find him, he'll find you. You'll find him when you're open to it. When you're ready. I know you think you're ready but clearly you're not. And stop feeling lonely. Embrace your freedom. One day you'll be a wife and mother and you'll long for your single days. But you don't believe that. You're scared. You're afraid you'll never know what it feels like, to be a mother.  You want to feel like all these other girls, who have men loving them and taking care of them, like that girl who sits next to you in your office whose husband brings her water because he's worried she forgets to drink. You're jealous that no one cares if you forget to drink. Stop. Close your eyes. Imagine he is there. He is walking towards you with a glass of water and a tender smile and you're feeling really lucky. Like you're not alone. Picture him sitting next you at the dinner table with all your friends. Feel him holding your hand and smile because now you're finally like everyone else. Open your eyes. Don't cry.

the seventh wheel

I should've guessed that writing a blog about being single in my twenties wouldn't make me much of a relationship expert --but rather an expert at being single, at going on bad/weird/okay dates, and collecting stories for the ages. It's a good thing I'm writer, at least the stories have somewhere to go.

Which is basically why I find myself back here. To the blog that started a little over five years ago, just as a relationship was ending; like an ominous sign that I was about to lose a part of my life and I needed to reconnect with my words to survive it.

There's been a lot of ups and downs and trips sideways since then. Not just in love, but in life. And somewhere along the way, I turned thirty. And writing a blog about dating and relationships and life in your thirties is a little different. I no longer have a rat-pack of guys feeding me their latest conquests stories. Almost all the rats are married. Or engaged. The girls that used inspire me with broken hearts and awful dates are now talking wedding arrangements, house decor and baby feedings. But I'm not ready to write about any of those things.

Because I'm still stuck in another phase. The one where you're supposed to be a grownup, supposed to have your life together, a real apartment (but you have a really cute studio!), a boyfriend who is marriage material, money on the side... and you don't.

So I'm here, writing. What else am I gonna do? My words, they keep me company. They keep me from driving myself insane. When I write them down, it stops them from growing fangs in my brain. When I put them out there, I know that someone might relate.

You joke about being the Bridget Jones amongst your friends. You laugh about being the seventh wheel every Friday night at dinner because everyone else comes in pairs and you just come with a new hairdo. You smile when the one-hundredth person asks you if you've "met someone yet" when you go home for the holidays.

Until one day, the joke doesn't make you laugh, it makes you cry. You feel a little lonely in your world and you're tired of hiding behind your feelings, because they'll think you're being a drama queen. Or a martyr. God forbid you should actually admit that you're lonely sometimes. That being single isn't easy.

But it's not all drama. The truth is, I'm just having a bad day. A lot of the times, I'm happy I'm still free. That anything can happen, that my life could turn upside down and that the possibilities are endless. That age, despite how much society defines it, is just a number and if people think I still look 23, well then I must be.