I've been back from New York almost 3 weeks now. I'm currently not working which means I have lots and lots of free time, all to myself, with nothing to do but sit at my computer and write. Or so you would think.
I've sat down and opened Beirut Rhapsodies and tried to work on a new post --wrote something, read it, realized it was very "blah". Left it in the "drafts" folder and forgot about it.
I've tried to work on the story that I came up with when I was in New York, a really exciting project for a novel that I absolutely can't wait to get started on, yet I haven't been able to do anything about it since I've been here.
Every day I've woken up and told myself that today, I would get back to my active lifestyle and go to yoga. I check the schedule, pick the class I want to attend --and then don't end up going. I spent the last two weekends on my best-friends' blue couch, because it's my comfort zone: we each sit on a side, watch some ridiculously mind-numbing TV series and let the day go by.
When it rained last week (superstorm Alexa really wasn't that bad, was it?) I hid under my covers and listened to the honking cars outside, imagining the traffic and feeling delighted that I was completely avoiding it.
So what the hell is happening? Everything I'm describing is me at my most passive behavior. No inspiration to write when it's all I should be doing. But I recognize this feeling. It's me being in Beirut. I get sucked in this black hole of no motivation and no creativity, and the only thing I've actually been able to write about is just this: nothingness.
The truth is, I'm a dreamer. I don't like to feel insignificant, in my little life, driving my little car, running errands and taking way more instagram pictures than I should have time for. So I've been hiding.
But I want to come out now.
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 18
Monday, June 6
Beirut, I Love You, I Love You Not
There's a mini-series that's been running on LBC for the last three months, called Beirut I Love You, I Love You Not. It's a show revolving around the lives of five young Lebanese: the good, the bad, the funny, the tragic --you know, life.
I love it because every character has a story we can all relate to. The guy who has a dream but is stuck in his bureaucratic life. The girl whose torn between her new love, and her old love. The guy who made a life for himself from scratch. The mother who wants to live her dreams vicariously through her children. The one who can't let go of his ex. The mom who lives in the past. The hypercondriac who can't find a job and is socially awkward. The dreamer, the lover, the player. There's a little bit of each of them in each of us.
But what I love most about it, is behind the scenes. This isn't a post about a cool TV show you should all watch (though you should) --this isn't that kind of blog. I write about relationships, connections, experience. And this is all of that. It's become personal.
I've talked about my love for acting before. I've mentioned countless times how my biggest dream was to be an actress, and how it got lost along the way. But these last few months, the dream is back, and it's changed my life. You see, I got lucky enough to get involved because the talented duet who created this series are friends of mine. And their energy and motivation was contagious. I had forgotten what it felt like to be passionate about something. To get up in the morning and be excited about my day. But they reminded me. It's not just the camera, or the acting, or the script, although all of that is great. I wake up at 7am on a Sunday morning because I want to. I rush to the set and I'm excited about everything: putting make-up on the actors, acting when I have a part, helping out with art-direction, and whatever it is I do, it all feels organic. A year ago, I had to drag myself out of bed on any given day, with no sense of purpose and zero excitement. Today I have ideas.
I didn't love Beirut when I came back from New York three years ago. I loved my boyfriend, I loved my family, I loved my friends, yes, always. But I felt like this city was going to rob me from my ambitions. And I let myself believe that for a while. Blamed Beirut for my lack of motivation. It was easier than to look in the mirror and realize that I could do something about it. And then one day, I was inspired. I saw a group of twenty-somethings who took what this city has to offer and turned it to their advantage. Made a dream where there was none. And I realized it wasn't Beirut that was the limit, it was myself.
I love it because every character has a story we can all relate to. The guy who has a dream but is stuck in his bureaucratic life. The girl whose torn between her new love, and her old love. The guy who made a life for himself from scratch. The mother who wants to live her dreams vicariously through her children. The one who can't let go of his ex. The mom who lives in the past. The hypercondriac who can't find a job and is socially awkward. The dreamer, the lover, the player. There's a little bit of each of them in each of us.
But what I love most about it, is behind the scenes. This isn't a post about a cool TV show you should all watch (though you should) --this isn't that kind of blog. I write about relationships, connections, experience. And this is all of that. It's become personal.
I've talked about my love for acting before. I've mentioned countless times how my biggest dream was to be an actress, and how it got lost along the way. But these last few months, the dream is back, and it's changed my life. You see, I got lucky enough to get involved because the talented duet who created this series are friends of mine. And their energy and motivation was contagious. I had forgotten what it felt like to be passionate about something. To get up in the morning and be excited about my day. But they reminded me. It's not just the camera, or the acting, or the script, although all of that is great. I wake up at 7am on a Sunday morning because I want to. I rush to the set and I'm excited about everything: putting make-up on the actors, acting when I have a part, helping out with art-direction, and whatever it is I do, it all feels organic. A year ago, I had to drag myself out of bed on any given day, with no sense of purpose and zero excitement. Today I have ideas.
I didn't love Beirut when I came back from New York three years ago. I loved my boyfriend, I loved my family, I loved my friends, yes, always. But I felt like this city was going to rob me from my ambitions. And I let myself believe that for a while. Blamed Beirut for my lack of motivation. It was easier than to look in the mirror and realize that I could do something about it. And then one day, I was inspired. I saw a group of twenty-somethings who took what this city has to offer and turned it to their advantage. Made a dream where there was none. And I realized it wasn't Beirut that was the limit, it was myself.
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